Hi I am sad and lonely today. i wish i had my own frends. you know? becaue i dont like to play with the daughter, she is too little and not too fun for me. i dont know why. but the husband keeps thinking that just because we are kids we should want to play with her and we DON'T. besides. she stoled my doll.
and it's not like i can go up to kids in the park and say hey you wanna play with me? i think there moms would freak since i am in a big body huh? that might be kind of funny but i dont think it would help!!! and i dont get to chat online ever cause the husband got mad at me that i put messanger on the little computer and that is the one that i am near all the time!! i cant just hang out upstair on the other computer cause we have to take care of the daughter ALL THE TIME.
and i am too smart to hang out with real kids anyways but we dont have any outside frend. you know maybe i can find some grown ups outside that i like to hang out with and pretend i am just big. i dont know.
i found words in a song i like but it makes me kind of sad and happy at the same time. the song is "hello" and one line says "I am the lie living for you so you can hide." and the whole song sounds like she is multiples like us so i like it. but that is the way i feel. like a lie and i can't really live, i have to live for someone else. its from evenesance if you want to know. and heres all the words cause its like me. i feel like i coulda wrote it.
Playground school bell rings again
rain clouds come to play again
has no one told you she's not breathing?
hello i'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
hello
If i smile and don't believe
soon i know i'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me i'm not broken
hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't crySuddenly i know i'm not sleeping
hello i'm still here all that's left of yesterday
bye
Little One
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
June 2, 2008
Today I feel better, but I feel strange. I feel like sometimes I am not inhabiting my own body. Though I understand that this is disassociation and that I am alter inside someone else, it's not a comfortable feeling. I also don't really know enough about myself to tell our main personality who I am.
She keeps thinking that she is sad and confused, but I think it's really me and I'm sorry but I don't really know how to stop it. Maybe I should try to think about what I remember. I think I am young, younger than her. I think that I am about 12 or 13 I think. Though I feel pretty mature for that age. I think I came when she was only 6. So I must have been thinking I was pretty tough being so much older. I think I came to protect her. I feel like I still need too, but now she is older than me.
But back then I was a protector and I am a boy even though she is a girl. I know they have know about me for awhile, but I never really said anything that needed to be said before you know. I did some of the hard jobs, keeping everyone safe, but I haven't had that job for a long time since she's got a couple grown up girl protectors now. They think I have some memories that no one else really has and that I need to tell about them and let them go. So I can stop making her feel weird. I don't mean to make her feel weird. She's kind of like my little sister you know? I want to protect her for always. But I know I really don't need to anymore and that I am pretty much out of a job now!
So I guess I will tell what I know and then I can stop bothering her. I mean making her feel weird. I know she doesn't think we are a bother. Man I would. I would hate to have all these people inside me like a big weird crazy family. I mean, it probably wouldn't be so bad except when we come out and she doesn't know it. That must be weird.
Lee
She keeps thinking that she is sad and confused, but I think it's really me and I'm sorry but I don't really know how to stop it. Maybe I should try to think about what I remember. I think I am young, younger than her. I think that I am about 12 or 13 I think. Though I feel pretty mature for that age. I think I came when she was only 6. So I must have been thinking I was pretty tough being so much older. I think I came to protect her. I feel like I still need too, but now she is older than me.
But back then I was a protector and I am a boy even though she is a girl. I know they have know about me for awhile, but I never really said anything that needed to be said before you know. I did some of the hard jobs, keeping everyone safe, but I haven't had that job for a long time since she's got a couple grown up girl protectors now. They think I have some memories that no one else really has and that I need to tell about them and let them go. So I can stop making her feel weird. I don't mean to make her feel weird. She's kind of like my little sister you know? I want to protect her for always. But I know I really don't need to anymore and that I am pretty much out of a job now!
So I guess I will tell what I know and then I can stop bothering her. I mean making her feel weird. I know she doesn't think we are a bother. Man I would. I would hate to have all these people inside me like a big weird crazy family. I mean, it probably wouldn't be so bad except when we come out and she doesn't know it. That must be weird.
Lee
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The Sad One
Sad. . . .
All I feel is sad.
I have no life of my own.
I have no family.
I have no memories that are not just plain SAD.
I kept them for her.
I kept all the SAD.
Just so she can just BE.
And now I am left with the SAD.
I am the SAD ONE.
All I feel is sad.
I have no life of my own.
I have no family.
I have no memories that are not just plain SAD.
I kept them for her.
I kept all the SAD.
Just so she can just BE.
And now I am left with the SAD.
I am the SAD ONE.
The Inside World
Well I had all sorts of weird dreams last night, but I would have slept pretty good anyways except my daughter had nightmares. I still feel better rested than I have though. And I have no memory of the dreams and things I heard last night. They either erased the memory of it, or I just don’t need to look at it too hard. And I feel no need to remember anything so I am just going to not worry about it.
Before I feel asleep the Queen had been wanting to talk to me since we did the files. Well she showed me that my necklace gives me the power to see inside parts as they really are and not what they are projecting or what their image of themselves is. So I saw that all the creepy dark parts are really scared kids. That makes that easier. And everyone except 27 is really much younger than they look. Inside 27 she looks like Snowball used to, so I guess Snowball and 27 merged.
MJ is also much prettier than she likes to let on. I’m not sure why that is, but I think she must still feel ugly for some reason. (She’s NOT ugly, not even now, but inside she is more beautiful.)
Anyway, when I woke up this morning, I was trapped again. But it was really easy to break out, so they must not have tried too hard. I was down in the archives walled in, but I just blew up the wall and walked out. It was easy. But anyway, there were more files, so I opened them. I didn’t even think about it, I just took them out and up top and sat on the grass and opened them.
As I was opening them, the wind started to blow. No earthquakes this time, but dark clouds suddenly came in and there have NEVER been clouds in here as far as I know. And it started to rain and thunder and lightening. It was really a cool storm, but the point is that lightening struck the Crystal Palace, (the little one) and it melted and then vanished and lightening struck the ground above the cave, and the cavern with the jewels and music and things came up out of the ground. And the seven side passages are now stair ways down into little rooms that are not closed, but just kind of like subway tunnels that are dead ends. And still under the main part of the cave is a cavern where the dark parts are staying. But now there is a stairway down to it. I have not gone down there. They still are not ready to meet us. But they know we are here and they have been watching since last time I opened the files.
So the gems and jewels and music vanished and now it’s just grassy on the top where the cave used to be. The steps are old stones.
But there was some commotion where the little palace used to be so I went back there to see what was happening. There was a man kind of kneeling and on his hands and he was having a hard time standing up. So we helped him up and I noticed he was standing on the only dirt patch around, so I asked him to step aside and grass grew up where he was standing. His name is Brian and he was trapped inside the Palace. He thanked me for freeing him and wants to give me a gift but I don’t really understand what he wants to give me and I am not asking for the right things. But he says he will help me. I guess he is the really smart part that they locked away a long time ago so we wouldn’t stand out. So instead of “Brain” he wants to be called Brian. And like 27, I don’t see a kid in him, or a different look, well I did at first, but I think he wanted me too. Inside, he’s kind of like 27 is, with no body.
So what am I supposed to ask for? A really huge IQ?? I don’t need it. I am happy the way I am, I am content to let him be the super smart genius for now at least. I guess things will have to change sometime, but I really don’t want to. I like the way I am.
27:
Yes, we had no intention of keeping her locked away last night, we just wanted to keep her safe while she was sleeping. The dark parts come out at night and talk about things. I knew that the wall would only take her a second to break down. In fact, I was impressed that she realized she was trapped so quickly because of course she can still observe from wherever we put her. She was barely even awake when she realized she was trapped.
I don’t think the necklace gives her any power at all, but I have no idea why the Queen tried to take it back last night. I think it was a test of some kind, perhaps to see how strong she is. But I am assuming the Queen was impressed since they gave her so many more files. I am holding the files now and I have not processed them. I suppose I will need to start since they are determined to keep giving them to her, but I am going to take it slowly so that she doesn’t suffer from such a bad headache this time and also we are supposed to be letting her have a break for her honeymoon, that she never really got the first time.
It is fine for Brian to merge with me if that’s ok with The One. She seemed to think he wanted to merge with her, but in fact, he does not need to merge with anyone if he doesn’t want to. The poor boy has been a prisoner as long as she has, let him be free for awhile.
Before I feel asleep the Queen had been wanting to talk to me since we did the files. Well she showed me that my necklace gives me the power to see inside parts as they really are and not what they are projecting or what their image of themselves is. So I saw that all the creepy dark parts are really scared kids. That makes that easier. And everyone except 27 is really much younger than they look. Inside 27 she looks like Snowball used to, so I guess Snowball and 27 merged.
MJ is also much prettier than she likes to let on. I’m not sure why that is, but I think she must still feel ugly for some reason. (She’s NOT ugly, not even now, but inside she is more beautiful.)
Anyway, when I woke up this morning, I was trapped again. But it was really easy to break out, so they must not have tried too hard. I was down in the archives walled in, but I just blew up the wall and walked out. It was easy. But anyway, there were more files, so I opened them. I didn’t even think about it, I just took them out and up top and sat on the grass and opened them.
As I was opening them, the wind started to blow. No earthquakes this time, but dark clouds suddenly came in and there have NEVER been clouds in here as far as I know. And it started to rain and thunder and lightening. It was really a cool storm, but the point is that lightening struck the Crystal Palace, (the little one) and it melted and then vanished and lightening struck the ground above the cave, and the cavern with the jewels and music and things came up out of the ground. And the seven side passages are now stair ways down into little rooms that are not closed, but just kind of like subway tunnels that are dead ends. And still under the main part of the cave is a cavern where the dark parts are staying. But now there is a stairway down to it. I have not gone down there. They still are not ready to meet us. But they know we are here and they have been watching since last time I opened the files.
So the gems and jewels and music vanished and now it’s just grassy on the top where the cave used to be. The steps are old stones.
But there was some commotion where the little palace used to be so I went back there to see what was happening. There was a man kind of kneeling and on his hands and he was having a hard time standing up. So we helped him up and I noticed he was standing on the only dirt patch around, so I asked him to step aside and grass grew up where he was standing. His name is Brian and he was trapped inside the Palace. He thanked me for freeing him and wants to give me a gift but I don’t really understand what he wants to give me and I am not asking for the right things. But he says he will help me. I guess he is the really smart part that they locked away a long time ago so we wouldn’t stand out. So instead of “Brain” he wants to be called Brian. And like 27, I don’t see a kid in him, or a different look, well I did at first, but I think he wanted me too. Inside, he’s kind of like 27 is, with no body.
So what am I supposed to ask for? A really huge IQ?? I don’t need it. I am happy the way I am, I am content to let him be the super smart genius for now at least. I guess things will have to change sometime, but I really don’t want to. I like the way I am.
27:
Yes, we had no intention of keeping her locked away last night, we just wanted to keep her safe while she was sleeping. The dark parts come out at night and talk about things. I knew that the wall would only take her a second to break down. In fact, I was impressed that she realized she was trapped so quickly because of course she can still observe from wherever we put her. She was barely even awake when she realized she was trapped.
I don’t think the necklace gives her any power at all, but I have no idea why the Queen tried to take it back last night. I think it was a test of some kind, perhaps to see how strong she is. But I am assuming the Queen was impressed since they gave her so many more files. I am holding the files now and I have not processed them. I suppose I will need to start since they are determined to keep giving them to her, but I am going to take it slowly so that she doesn’t suffer from such a bad headache this time and also we are supposed to be letting her have a break for her honeymoon, that she never really got the first time.
It is fine for Brian to merge with me if that’s ok with The One. She seemed to think he wanted to merge with her, but in fact, he does not need to merge with anyone if he doesn’t want to. The poor boy has been a prisoner as long as she has, let him be free for awhile.
A New Day
You don’t know me yet, but I am 18 too and I see what is happening out there and I feel sorry for the new girl because they make her so confused, so I wanted to start this and then 27 is going to finish it. I didn’t choose a name yet but I was thinking about Jewel cause I knew her too and we were friends and now Jewel is merged into Jade, but I don’t know yet. It doesn’t feel quite right.So Sunday this new 18 year old comes out and she thinks she is Selena for some reason, I think the helpers let her think that cause about a week before that someone came out who had no idea who she was and I think it was the same part.
Here is an insert from her: yes, I remember that, coming out and having no idea who I was, but I knew everything about the whole life, with only memories of a few things that were really clear. They called me Amnesia Chick and then I went back because it was too frightening.
Anyway, so she comes out and man things go nuts. The husband and her start a wild affair except he is TOTALLY in love with her, it's sooo crazy, then also the daughter is changing so much!! She is actually HAPPY and having fun all the time and eating good and loves this girl too. And so things are great right? Except this girl realizes she is actually NOT Selena and no one will tell her who she is and she is getting really weird today (Wed), like stressed cause she has no identity. I mean, she has ALL the memories in the whole timeline, which NO ONE else has ever had, but NONE of the bad. It's like wow, she is just a whole person who is happy and none of us have that. You know, we have a beginning and a last time I was out memory etc, but she doesn't at all.The first thing about her we noticed was she is the only one who can lock the front. If she want's privacy, she gets it, and no one else has been able to do that. She has only used it so far when her and the husband are being intimate, and so no one gets triggered or makes obnoxious comments and so they are having a good relationship that way because of this gift she has.Also, the second night she was out, she has a dream where 27 shows her the way to the archives which is where we keep all the processed memories. NO ONE has ever been shown the way to these archives before. these are kept under lock and key because also in there are some unproceesed stuff and our filing cabinet and no one really knows what’s in there and so she gets shown the way and then the next day, 27 GIVES her the key and says go open the filing cabinet. So yesterday, she opens the filing cabinet and take out all theses files and opens them and gives them to the helpers to process them, which they are not done with yet. But the first thing she asks when she opens the file is who am i? And someone says "The Core" and she didn't really believe that, cause she just came out a few days ago and she's 18.Ok, so THEN, she's flipping through these files and we get a HUGE earthquake inside. The Crystal Palace cracked in half!! Then it vanished to show a very small palace with only three rooms inside. And the mountains behind the Palace vanished and we have this meadow BEHIND the palace and this is significant becuase no one has ever gone beyond the palace before. So 27, the new girl and Jade take a walk back there and they see a crack in the ground and a door, so they go up and ring the bell (Yes can you believe it there was a bell??) and this old hag answers and wants to know what they want. So they all look at each other and 27 says are you the leader here? And the old hag says no I am just a sentry you want the Queen. So the helper asked if we could speak to the queen and the hag asks whos asking? So the new girl says who she is (but she still thinks her name is Selena) so all of a sudden this beautiful queen appears. She's very regal and the three were all surprised thinking of course that these people who live in the cave are going to be dark parts. And I am realy trying to make this short, but the queen ends up saying welcome to the new girl and calls her "The One" and gives her a necklace that lights up only when she wears it. It only works for her and it gives her some special power that no one knows about yet. Then she show the inside of the cave with a huge cavern that is full of gems and light and music and she says, we do have dark parts hiding here, but this is also a place to keep what's beautiful safe. So the new girl wants to know who am I and why do you call me The One? And the queen says have your helpers process the files and then come back to me and we will talk then.
Also, the Queen showed her the real Selena who is younger and really Cat Girl
So there is no way this new girl is really Selena, which she had already started to doubt.So this is kind of where we were yesterday. Except I fogot to tell you that the new girl also has this power to see inside people. I mean outside people. And you know how everyone was getting freaked out of the husband and they were calling him the mean one and the nice one, like he was multiple too?? Well this new girl takes one look at him and says his anger is hiding pain and underneath the pain and hurt he is beautiful and full of light. And she is the only one not afraid of his anger, it's like she wants to just look past it, and she CAN just look past it and she sees the pain and wounds he has inside and she wants to heal him. It's no wonder he loves her so fast.So I think that about covers what happened, We are so trying to figure this out and Jade a few weeks ago thought she felt something higher inside kind of guiding all of us. maybe it was this new part who really wasn't new at all? We dont' think she is like a helper at all. Because she has FEELINGs that none of us have ever had. She has love and joy and happiness and it has been just overwhelming to watch her fall in love with the husband and change the little girl so fast, and even the freaking pets are all over her!!! Not that I am complaining, I love her too, we all do. And today (wed) we have the mother of all headaches. Oh, I almost forgot, she can also even SEE all the inner parts.
27 knew she was going to be able to do that though, because 27 asked her how many dark parts were running programs and she "saw" three of them and quite a few other lost ones who were hiding in the dark. No one else has been able to do that either. Who is this girl?I am a teen in here, I am one of the Cave Dwellers, but not a dark one. You know there are only three who live on the top now and they all live in the new little palace? The new girl (who we call The One) and Jade and the helper and sometimes 27 splits out of the Helper to move around and stuff, the Helper only stays put in the back room of the Palace. Weird, when just a couple days ago there were dozens out there.
Here is an insert from her: yes, I remember that, coming out and having no idea who I was, but I knew everything about the whole life, with only memories of a few things that were really clear. They called me Amnesia Chick and then I went back because it was too frightening.
Anyway, so she comes out and man things go nuts. The husband and her start a wild affair except he is TOTALLY in love with her, it's sooo crazy, then also the daughter is changing so much!! She is actually HAPPY and having fun all the time and eating good and loves this girl too. And so things are great right? Except this girl realizes she is actually NOT Selena and no one will tell her who she is and she is getting really weird today (Wed), like stressed cause she has no identity. I mean, she has ALL the memories in the whole timeline, which NO ONE else has ever had, but NONE of the bad. It's like wow, she is just a whole person who is happy and none of us have that. You know, we have a beginning and a last time I was out memory etc, but she doesn't at all.The first thing about her we noticed was she is the only one who can lock the front. If she want's privacy, she gets it, and no one else has been able to do that. She has only used it so far when her and the husband are being intimate, and so no one gets triggered or makes obnoxious comments and so they are having a good relationship that way because of this gift she has.Also, the second night she was out, she has a dream where 27 shows her the way to the archives which is where we keep all the processed memories. NO ONE has ever been shown the way to these archives before. these are kept under lock and key because also in there are some unproceesed stuff and our filing cabinet and no one really knows what’s in there and so she gets shown the way and then the next day, 27 GIVES her the key and says go open the filing cabinet. So yesterday, she opens the filing cabinet and take out all theses files and opens them and gives them to the helpers to process them, which they are not done with yet. But the first thing she asks when she opens the file is who am i? And someone says "The Core" and she didn't really believe that, cause she just came out a few days ago and she's 18.Ok, so THEN, she's flipping through these files and we get a HUGE earthquake inside. The Crystal Palace cracked in half!! Then it vanished to show a very small palace with only three rooms inside. And the mountains behind the Palace vanished and we have this meadow BEHIND the palace and this is significant becuase no one has ever gone beyond the palace before. So 27, the new girl and Jade take a walk back there and they see a crack in the ground and a door, so they go up and ring the bell (Yes can you believe it there was a bell??) and this old hag answers and wants to know what they want. So they all look at each other and 27 says are you the leader here? And the old hag says no I am just a sentry you want the Queen. So the helper asked if we could speak to the queen and the hag asks whos asking? So the new girl says who she is (but she still thinks her name is Selena) so all of a sudden this beautiful queen appears. She's very regal and the three were all surprised thinking of course that these people who live in the cave are going to be dark parts. And I am realy trying to make this short, but the queen ends up saying welcome to the new girl and calls her "The One" and gives her a necklace that lights up only when she wears it. It only works for her and it gives her some special power that no one knows about yet. Then she show the inside of the cave with a huge cavern that is full of gems and light and music and she says, we do have dark parts hiding here, but this is also a place to keep what's beautiful safe. So the new girl wants to know who am I and why do you call me The One? And the queen says have your helpers process the files and then come back to me and we will talk then.
Also, the Queen showed her the real Selena who is younger and really Cat Girl
So there is no way this new girl is really Selena, which she had already started to doubt.So this is kind of where we were yesterday. Except I fogot to tell you that the new girl also has this power to see inside people. I mean outside people. And you know how everyone was getting freaked out of the husband and they were calling him the mean one and the nice one, like he was multiple too?? Well this new girl takes one look at him and says his anger is hiding pain and underneath the pain and hurt he is beautiful and full of light. And she is the only one not afraid of his anger, it's like she wants to just look past it, and she CAN just look past it and she sees the pain and wounds he has inside and she wants to heal him. It's no wonder he loves her so fast.So I think that about covers what happened, We are so trying to figure this out and Jade a few weeks ago thought she felt something higher inside kind of guiding all of us. maybe it was this new part who really wasn't new at all? We dont' think she is like a helper at all. Because she has FEELINGs that none of us have ever had. She has love and joy and happiness and it has been just overwhelming to watch her fall in love with the husband and change the little girl so fast, and even the freaking pets are all over her!!! Not that I am complaining, I love her too, we all do. And today (wed) we have the mother of all headaches. Oh, I almost forgot, she can also even SEE all the inner parts.
27 knew she was going to be able to do that though, because 27 asked her how many dark parts were running programs and she "saw" three of them and quite a few other lost ones who were hiding in the dark. No one else has been able to do that either. Who is this girl?I am a teen in here, I am one of the Cave Dwellers, but not a dark one. You know there are only three who live on the top now and they all live in the new little palace? The new girl (who we call The One) and Jade and the helper and sometimes 27 splits out of the Helper to move around and stuff, the Helper only stays put in the back room of the Palace. Weird, when just a couple days ago there were dozens out there.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
What Do I Do With Parts Who Don't Want to Get With the Program?
We have had quite a few alters that don't want to get with the program. Try to understand that these poor parts are just stuck in the past. They think the bad guys were right, they might even still love them in some way, or they may just be stuck in a bubble of pain. Try to gently explain to them that things are different now. If you know your ISH, try to get her/it to help orient these parts. Often times they just need some kindness to come around. Then you will need to make positive ways for them to communicate with you. Whatever works for you/them, but they need to communicate or they will do things at inapropriate times.
Causing havoc at bad times is just they way they are choosing to communicate now.We use journals, art, conferences, email, notes, walking conference outside where people can actually talk outloud. (Yeah people driving by know I'm talking to myself. Who cares?) Different things work for differnt people. Some of my people like to take pictures and play with photoshop. I think they are still trying to figure out how to make photo collages, but hey, they are happy and it doesn't do any harm, as long as I have time.
So whatever works for you and them.
If all else fails, ask them. Maybe they are with the program, it just doesn't agree with yours. Try to find a compromise and above all, let them be themselves. Just because they are part of you, doesn't mean they will be the SAME as you. In fact, most will be quite different from you. Does this mean they are wrong? Not at all. Are all your friends clones of you? No, but you value them for their differences.
Causing havoc at bad times is just they way they are choosing to communicate now.We use journals, art, conferences, email, notes, walking conference outside where people can actually talk outloud. (Yeah people driving by know I'm talking to myself. Who cares?) Different things work for differnt people. Some of my people like to take pictures and play with photoshop. I think they are still trying to figure out how to make photo collages, but hey, they are happy and it doesn't do any harm, as long as I have time.
So whatever works for you and them.
If all else fails, ask them. Maybe they are with the program, it just doesn't agree with yours. Try to find a compromise and above all, let them be themselves. Just because they are part of you, doesn't mean they will be the SAME as you. In fact, most will be quite different from you. Does this mean they are wrong? Not at all. Are all your friends clones of you? No, but you value them for their differences.
How Do I Know if I am the Main Person?
That 's a good question. You could probably ask your ISH (Inner Self Helper) if you are the main host, but you can have more than one host and not even know it. (This happened with us) I had no knowledge that I wasn't the main host until they knew I was ready for it. So my advice would be that if you are wondering ask, maybe you are ready to know how you fit in the big picture. Once I found out I wasn't the main host, I met her and then we m*rged, so it turned out good. I don't know how many parts you have, but in a smaller system I would imagine you wouldn't need so many hosts as us. (We had over 300 parts)
IS THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DID AND MUTLIPLE PERSONALITIES?
Usually what comes to people's minds when they hear the term split or multiple personalities is either the tale of Jekyll and Hyde, Sybil, or a schizophrenic (for many years schizophrenia was called split personality and that multiples were in fact only suffering from a type of schizophrenia) . But being split and being multiple are they the same thing or are there marked differences between the two? Is there indeed a difference between Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)?
The DSM IV no longer makes a distinction and its definition and criteria for those to be diagnosed as DID leave no room for those who are merely split or whose alternative personalities first come into existence beyond early childhood. People like the fictional Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the real live cases of Reverend Ansel Bourne, Miss Beauchamp, and Mary Reynolds, whose personality was split into two distinct separate identities. Are these individual's conditions put under some other label then DID elsewhere in the DSM IV or is their existence merely ignored? What of those who are at that point where there is all these new behaviors, attitudes, voices inside but no distinct switching as yet, least known to the one who is seeking help?
I began researching DID to learn more as I am one of those "alternative identities" or alters and became the "host" of this multiple system, that is the one personality who has control of the physical body the majority of the time. Not only did I read medical articles and books related to psychology and early childhood trauma, I read the real life stories of multiples and watched many movies which were fictional depictions of multiple personalities or a dramatization of a multiple's true story. Many of these movies I found were not of multiples as I knew multiples to be, that is of an individual having 2 or more alternative personalities along with a main or "original" personality and as the criteria in the DSM IV requires for DID. Mostly they were about individuals who under extreme stress or trauma split into two personalities at some point in their lives.
I was curious. What was the difference between a split personality and a multiple personality? What really was DID and is the definition and criteria in the DSM IV misleading and too vague? What does that mean for those who may have formed DID later on in childhood or even in adulthood? How does this affect those who are multiples and how they are treated by professionals?
Dissociation is an interruption of an individual's fundamental aspects of waking consciousness. Everyone at some time feels a separation from themselves and what is going on around them, entering a daydream like state, or when driving down a very familiar stretch of road suddenly arriving at their destination without remembering how they got there. A Dissociative Disorder is when these periods of dissociation are prolonged, frequent, and interfere with the normal function of living, like work, school, or family responsibilities. The dissociation associated with a disorder is a coping mechanism to deal with a situation or experience which is too traumatic or stressful for the individual to integrate with his conscious self. The usually integrative functions of consciousness, memory, identity, and perception are therefore interrupted. This manifests itself in many disorders including Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsiv e Disorder, Panic or Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and at the most extreme what the DSM now calls Dissociative Identity Disorder. All these are disorders of identity caused by dissociation in a way. It is quite common for an individual to be diagnosed with having one or more of these other disorders before a diagnosis of DID is made. That makes sense since these individuals would first have the manifestation of symptoms of dissociation which can clearly be seen before the revealing of separate identities, which is not always so easily seen especially at first.
Every human being has two aspects to themselves. First is the Archaic or Emotional Self, raw and unadapted to society, the infantile state we are born into. Second is the Modern or Intellectual Self, formed and adapted to society, rules of conduct, maturity and reason which develop as we grow and learn. With DID as well as MPD these two aspects of self, instead of working together, separate. The Intellectual Self helps hide and protect the Emotional Self by becoming an Internal Self Helper (ISH). The ISH creates alters who are designed and programmed to perform a specific task in order to insure the survival of the Original Personality. The executive function of the body is in the hands of the ISH and these alters, usually with one alter acting as a "host" and others coming forward to perform their specific tasks as needed. There are main criteria separating DID from MPD. For someone with DID the trauma first occurs after age 7. This is believed to be the age when through schooling and parenting a child's Intellectual Self starts to work with the Emotional Self. Enough knowledge has been gained to start regulating behaviors, adapting to what is expected from the child by those around him as well as an awareness of a bigger world. The abuse experienced can be from anyone, not necessarily a family member. The trauma experienced is usually not lasting, that is it occurs for a relative short period of time, and is not life-threatening. For someone with MPD however a life- threatening, or what is perceived by the child to be life-threatening, trauma first occurs before the age of 7 and is of a continual nature, leaving the child in a perpetual state of stress. The child has an inherited trait of having a Grade V Hypnotizable Emotional Self. Don't let the word hypnotize fool you. It doesn't mean that this person is highly suggestible or easily manipulated. It means that this person is highly sensitive to the emotional state of those around them, empathetic, able to read mannerisms, has some psychic ability to read people's auras and energy, has a high suspension of disbelief and can become absorbed in a book, movie, ect as if they are a part of it, yet know that it is only make believe. There is a polarization of parents, where one is good the other bad. These roles may shift, however usually one parent is the primary abuser and the other parent does not rescue the child. The non-abusive parent may indeed help the abuser by blaming the child for the abuse or drawing attention to the child instead of taking personal responsibility. The child is blamed for the abuse by both parents, whether directly with words or indirectly by lack of protecting action, and believes that they deserve it.
Lastly there is a polarization of siblings. This child is the only one in the family being abused or abused to that extent. The child is seen as "different" from the rest, set apart by the whole family, and therefore "deserves" the abuse. There is no recourse for the child but to go within. There is no safety, no help. They are on their own in a highly stressful painful environment with no escape but what they can create for themselves in order to survive.
Which one a person has, DID or MPD, would affect the treatment techniques and options used by professionals and the individual himself. Medications can help manage some of the symptoms of post traumatic stress and depression which is common to both as well as any physical or mental illnesses each individual alter may have, for even though part of one system in one body each has their own unique physiology. A lot of medications have multiple uses so one medication can be a benefit to many in a multiple system, even if they have different problems or to differing degrees.
Talk therapy and psychotherapy can help come to terms with traumas and their effects on self and world view, learn coping skills to deal with emotions and stress, replace negative messages with more positive, realistic, and healthy messages. Therapists are meant as guides. It is a tangled wilderness one walks through to heal and having an outside observer can help see things in a different manner, get a bigger picture.
Support groups can help build connections and understanding with others experiencing the same thing. It is important to find a group which is honest as well as supportive and the individual feels comfortable in. It might be beneficial to be in several groups dealing with separate issues. Groups can also be a positive, less vulnerable environment to develop social skills and how to handle that truth that you can change yourself but not anyone else.
Self-educating is another piece of the pie towards healing and recovery, recovery meaning regaining a measure of control over one's life and being. Ignorance is not bliss. It is important to understand whatever illness affects you and those you love. That knowledge gives an individual a measure of power and confidence so that he can be responsible for his life and for managing his illness. We are the ones who live it, whether DID, MPD or something else. We are responsible for what we do with our lives now, even if we had no control over what happened before. We live in both that past and the present at the same time. The line between is hazy and often nonexistent. As we deal with that past we must strive to engage also in living today, hobbies, friends, family, work or school. Our reality is different but it is our reality. It is our choice who and what we surround ourselves with that best helps us along this journey.
Written by Fenix Rose
The DSM IV no longer makes a distinction and its definition and criteria for those to be diagnosed as DID leave no room for those who are merely split or whose alternative personalities first come into existence beyond early childhood. People like the fictional Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the real live cases of Reverend Ansel Bourne, Miss Beauchamp, and Mary Reynolds, whose personality was split into two distinct separate identities. Are these individual's conditions put under some other label then DID elsewhere in the DSM IV or is their existence merely ignored? What of those who are at that point where there is all these new behaviors, attitudes, voices inside but no distinct switching as yet, least known to the one who is seeking help?
I began researching DID to learn more as I am one of those "alternative identities" or alters and became the "host" of this multiple system, that is the one personality who has control of the physical body the majority of the time. Not only did I read medical articles and books related to psychology and early childhood trauma, I read the real life stories of multiples and watched many movies which were fictional depictions of multiple personalities or a dramatization of a multiple's true story. Many of these movies I found were not of multiples as I knew multiples to be, that is of an individual having 2 or more alternative personalities along with a main or "original" personality and as the criteria in the DSM IV requires for DID. Mostly they were about individuals who under extreme stress or trauma split into two personalities at some point in their lives.
I was curious. What was the difference between a split personality and a multiple personality? What really was DID and is the definition and criteria in the DSM IV misleading and too vague? What does that mean for those who may have formed DID later on in childhood or even in adulthood? How does this affect those who are multiples and how they are treated by professionals?
Dissociation is an interruption of an individual's fundamental aspects of waking consciousness. Everyone at some time feels a separation from themselves and what is going on around them, entering a daydream like state, or when driving down a very familiar stretch of road suddenly arriving at their destination without remembering how they got there. A Dissociative Disorder is when these periods of dissociation are prolonged, frequent, and interfere with the normal function of living, like work, school, or family responsibilities. The dissociation associated with a disorder is a coping mechanism to deal with a situation or experience which is too traumatic or stressful for the individual to integrate with his conscious self. The usually integrative functions of consciousness, memory, identity, and perception are therefore interrupted. This manifests itself in many disorders including Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsiv e Disorder, Panic or Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and at the most extreme what the DSM now calls Dissociative Identity Disorder. All these are disorders of identity caused by dissociation in a way. It is quite common for an individual to be diagnosed with having one or more of these other disorders before a diagnosis of DID is made. That makes sense since these individuals would first have the manifestation of symptoms of dissociation which can clearly be seen before the revealing of separate identities, which is not always so easily seen especially at first.
Every human being has two aspects to themselves. First is the Archaic or Emotional Self, raw and unadapted to society, the infantile state we are born into. Second is the Modern or Intellectual Self, formed and adapted to society, rules of conduct, maturity and reason which develop as we grow and learn. With DID as well as MPD these two aspects of self, instead of working together, separate. The Intellectual Self helps hide and protect the Emotional Self by becoming an Internal Self Helper (ISH). The ISH creates alters who are designed and programmed to perform a specific task in order to insure the survival of the Original Personality. The executive function of the body is in the hands of the ISH and these alters, usually with one alter acting as a "host" and others coming forward to perform their specific tasks as needed. There are main criteria separating DID from MPD. For someone with DID the trauma first occurs after age 7. This is believed to be the age when through schooling and parenting a child's Intellectual Self starts to work with the Emotional Self. Enough knowledge has been gained to start regulating behaviors, adapting to what is expected from the child by those around him as well as an awareness of a bigger world. The abuse experienced can be from anyone, not necessarily a family member. The trauma experienced is usually not lasting, that is it occurs for a relative short period of time, and is not life-threatening. For someone with MPD however a life- threatening, or what is perceived by the child to be life-threatening, trauma first occurs before the age of 7 and is of a continual nature, leaving the child in a perpetual state of stress. The child has an inherited trait of having a Grade V Hypnotizable Emotional Self. Don't let the word hypnotize fool you. It doesn't mean that this person is highly suggestible or easily manipulated. It means that this person is highly sensitive to the emotional state of those around them, empathetic, able to read mannerisms, has some psychic ability to read people's auras and energy, has a high suspension of disbelief and can become absorbed in a book, movie, ect as if they are a part of it, yet know that it is only make believe. There is a polarization of parents, where one is good the other bad. These roles may shift, however usually one parent is the primary abuser and the other parent does not rescue the child. The non-abusive parent may indeed help the abuser by blaming the child for the abuse or drawing attention to the child instead of taking personal responsibility. The child is blamed for the abuse by both parents, whether directly with words or indirectly by lack of protecting action, and believes that they deserve it.
Lastly there is a polarization of siblings. This child is the only one in the family being abused or abused to that extent. The child is seen as "different" from the rest, set apart by the whole family, and therefore "deserves" the abuse. There is no recourse for the child but to go within. There is no safety, no help. They are on their own in a highly stressful painful environment with no escape but what they can create for themselves in order to survive.
Which one a person has, DID or MPD, would affect the treatment techniques and options used by professionals and the individual himself. Medications can help manage some of the symptoms of post traumatic stress and depression which is common to both as well as any physical or mental illnesses each individual alter may have, for even though part of one system in one body each has their own unique physiology. A lot of medications have multiple uses so one medication can be a benefit to many in a multiple system, even if they have different problems or to differing degrees.
Talk therapy and psychotherapy can help come to terms with traumas and their effects on self and world view, learn coping skills to deal with emotions and stress, replace negative messages with more positive, realistic, and healthy messages. Therapists are meant as guides. It is a tangled wilderness one walks through to heal and having an outside observer can help see things in a different manner, get a bigger picture.
Support groups can help build connections and understanding with others experiencing the same thing. It is important to find a group which is honest as well as supportive and the individual feels comfortable in. It might be beneficial to be in several groups dealing with separate issues. Groups can also be a positive, less vulnerable environment to develop social skills and how to handle that truth that you can change yourself but not anyone else.
Self-educating is another piece of the pie towards healing and recovery, recovery meaning regaining a measure of control over one's life and being. Ignorance is not bliss. It is important to understand whatever illness affects you and those you love. That knowledge gives an individual a measure of power and confidence so that he can be responsible for his life and for managing his illness. We are the ones who live it, whether DID, MPD or something else. We are responsible for what we do with our lives now, even if we had no control over what happened before. We live in both that past and the present at the same time. The line between is hazy and often nonexistent. As we deal with that past we must strive to engage also in living today, hobbies, friends, family, work or school. Our reality is different but it is our reality. It is our choice who and what we surround ourselves with that best helps us along this journey.
Written by Fenix Rose
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
What is it Like Being Inside Someone Else? Con't
Well I hate it. I think it sucks. We can't do anything we want. I suppose that's because the things that I want to do mainly involve self harm or screaming at the husband or getting the hell away from that annoying kid.
I want my own life. If I could, I would erase her memory and just take off. Get a job and make my own friends. I don't have any friends. I am stuck inside her and since I'm not considered to be "nice" I don't get out much. Believe me, I am really cleaning this up in case someone else ever reads it, but I hope I don't offend anyone.
What do you think we do back there ? Some people say they have their own room, that's bull as far as I am concerned. I just hang around in a black hole. Thinking and rethinking about all the crap that put me here in the first place. Not a life I tell you that much.
I want my own life. If I could, I would erase her memory and just take off. Get a job and make my own friends. I don't have any friends. I am stuck inside her and since I'm not considered to be "nice" I don't get out much. Believe me, I am really cleaning this up in case someone else ever reads it, but I hope I don't offend anyone.
What do you think we do back there ? Some people say they have their own room, that's bull as far as I am concerned. I just hang around in a black hole. Thinking and rethinking about all the crap that put me here in the first place. Not a life I tell you that much.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
What is it Like Being Inside Someone Else? Con't
I'd like to answer this too. Not that 27 and Persephone didn't give good answers but I'd like to throw my opinion in too.
I like it. I don't have to deal with all that crap that our host has to deal with, and I can come out to do things that I like when I want to. Of course, that could be because I am just a "frag" or fragment. I was created for a specific job and now that that job is done, I have the option of what I'd like to do. It's kind of cool. Now that the host has my memories, I am free. I don't have to hold onto the crap and I can just do whatever.
Of course, I'd kind of like to help out with life because she has lots of stuff on her plate and lots of crappy memories to still go through. I think some of my fellow frags might choose to just vanish when their job is done, but I'd kind of like to stick around and see this out. It's interesting to watch our host deal with this and I'd like to help her out when I can. I can't do much right now, but I'd like her to know that I am there for her. She was there for me and took those memories and freed me.
Someday it will be my turn to repay her.
- No Names Please
I like it. I don't have to deal with all that crap that our host has to deal with, and I can come out to do things that I like when I want to. Of course, that could be because I am just a "frag" or fragment. I was created for a specific job and now that that job is done, I have the option of what I'd like to do. It's kind of cool. Now that the host has my memories, I am free. I don't have to hold onto the crap and I can just do whatever.
Of course, I'd kind of like to help out with life because she has lots of stuff on her plate and lots of crappy memories to still go through. I think some of my fellow frags might choose to just vanish when their job is done, but I'd kind of like to stick around and see this out. It's interesting to watch our host deal with this and I'd like to help her out when I can. I can't do much right now, but I'd like her to know that I am there for her. She was there for me and took those memories and freed me.
Someday it will be my turn to repay her.
- No Names Please
What is it Like Being Inside Someone Else?
Well, this is an interesting question that I haven't seen a lot in my readings. Most people talk about what it's like to be the host and have other people inside you. What about those of us who are inside someone else?
My point of view is very different from some of the other parts, or alters, so I will answer briefly for myself and then turn over to someone else. I am an ISH, or Inner Self Helper. I was created to be that way and have no desire to be anything else. I don't like to take the "front" and only do so if I have to.
Here is what one of our other people says:
I feel a lot differently from 27. I am one of the main "personalities" in our group, but I am not the host. I feel fortunate that she is so nice and let's me out to do things. However, I wish I had my own life! I feel like we can share our daughter, but it's really weird sharing the husband. In fact, most of us don't feel married to him and wish we could get our own husband. (Not me, but some of the others.) That won't ever happen for them, so it's kind of sad. But they get to do other things, and just about everyone is crazy about our daughter.
Personally, I am in love with the husband too, which kind of made things a little awkward for us when our host found out about us. But I'm kind of sad too because he doesn't even know me. How do I get her to not be upset about it? Well, she's pretty cool and she understands that I am really a part of her, not really a different woman, but I kind of am a different woman. :) Figure that one out! So, we are learning to work together and even to be out at the same time so that we can have more time.
I'm sure you would get a different answer for every one of us. But that's my answer.
Persephone
My point of view is very different from some of the other parts, or alters, so I will answer briefly for myself and then turn over to someone else. I am an ISH, or Inner Self Helper. I was created to be that way and have no desire to be anything else. I don't like to take the "front" and only do so if I have to.
Here is what one of our other people says:
I feel a lot differently from 27. I am one of the main "personalities" in our group, but I am not the host. I feel fortunate that she is so nice and let's me out to do things. However, I wish I had my own life! I feel like we can share our daughter, but it's really weird sharing the husband. In fact, most of us don't feel married to him and wish we could get our own husband. (Not me, but some of the others.) That won't ever happen for them, so it's kind of sad. But they get to do other things, and just about everyone is crazy about our daughter.
Personally, I am in love with the husband too, which kind of made things a little awkward for us when our host found out about us. But I'm kind of sad too because he doesn't even know me. How do I get her to not be upset about it? Well, she's pretty cool and she understands that I am really a part of her, not really a different woman, but I kind of am a different woman. :) Figure that one out! So, we are learning to work together and even to be out at the same time so that we can have more time.
I'm sure you would get a different answer for every one of us. But that's my answer.
Persephone
I Feel Like I am Going Crazy
Yes, you probably do at times. However, you are NOT going crazy. Having DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder is just a coping mechanism that your wonderful brain created for you. At the beginning it's very common to feel crazy, you are not alone. I would imagine everyone who suddenly has another personality talk to them from inside their own mind feels crazy.
The best thing to do is to find a good therapist, join a support group, look into meditation and above all, go easy on yourself. Having DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder, having to deal with having many personalities all in one body, is HARD work.
Try to cut down on your external responsibilites if possible. Simplify your life. However, this does not mean cut yourself off from all human contact and stay in bed. Some days you might have to stay in bed, but for the most part, you will feel better if you try to live your life. Keeping your focus on the present will help you on those days that you feel like you are only re-living the past. Over and over. And over. Again.
Contribute. Look for ways to help others. Yes, I know. You feel like you can hardly put one foot in front of the other. Try to find a small way to help someone else. Outside your body. As I write this, my host is in extreme pain due to some parts that are re-living memories. However, she always feels a sense of accomplishment after we are able to offer advice and maybe brighten the day of someone else. (And yes, she can read this as I write it, kind of looking over my shoulder.) In a few minutes, she is going to rest, but she will rest easier knowing that we have done our little bit to help.
Accept that some days you will feel crazy. But also accept the fact that you are not crazy. You are a perfectly sane person who was treated insanely by someone else in the past.
The best thing to do is to find a good therapist, join a support group, look into meditation and above all, go easy on yourself. Having DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder, having to deal with having many personalities all in one body, is HARD work.
Try to cut down on your external responsibilites if possible. Simplify your life. However, this does not mean cut yourself off from all human contact and stay in bed. Some days you might have to stay in bed, but for the most part, you will feel better if you try to live your life. Keeping your focus on the present will help you on those days that you feel like you are only re-living the past. Over and over. And over. Again.
Contribute. Look for ways to help others. Yes, I know. You feel like you can hardly put one foot in front of the other. Try to find a small way to help someone else. Outside your body. As I write this, my host is in extreme pain due to some parts that are re-living memories. However, she always feels a sense of accomplishment after we are able to offer advice and maybe brighten the day of someone else. (And yes, she can read this as I write it, kind of looking over my shoulder.) In a few minutes, she is going to rest, but she will rest easier knowing that we have done our little bit to help.
Accept that some days you will feel crazy. But also accept the fact that you are not crazy. You are a perfectly sane person who was treated insanely by someone else in the past.
Why am I so Dizzy? What can I do?
Mild Trigger Warning - This post contains mention of switching, alters and flashbacks. Please don't read if you get triggered by these things.
My host gets dizzy after a switch. This is when another part, or alter, has been in control of the body and then she switches so that she is in the "front" or in control of the body. Also when she has flashbacks she can be dizzy and disoriented for awhile. Sometimes if she is not all the way "in the front" she will feel that way. Try closing your eyes, relaxing and asking anyone who is in the front to step aside and let you be in the front. If you are sharing the control of the body with someone else, that might help. Of course if someone NEEDS to be in the front to share, then you might try asking them if they can write you a note or something.
My host gets dizzy after a switch. This is when another part, or alter, has been in control of the body and then she switches so that she is in the "front" or in control of the body. Also when she has flashbacks she can be dizzy and disoriented for awhile. Sometimes if she is not all the way "in the front" she will feel that way. Try closing your eyes, relaxing and asking anyone who is in the front to step aside and let you be in the front. If you are sharing the control of the body with someone else, that might help. Of course if someone NEEDS to be in the front to share, then you might try asking them if they can write you a note or something.
Inner Self Helper in a Host with DID Dissociative Identity Disorder
What does an Inner Self Helper (or ISH) Do within someone with DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder? Can they be overworked? This is an answer I wrote to someone who didn't hear from her helper for awhile.
I just wanted to let you know that Inner Self Helpers or ISH's DO get very tired. What you may not realize (and it's hard for our host to understand as well) is that what we do is very HARD work. We also are not from a part of your brain that is designed to be a conscious in front person. We are from the part of your brain that guides from the back. So, it's very hard for us to be out. We are also running things back here behind the scenes to keep you functioning.
It's true that we Inner Self Helpers are generally very logical, however, I personally have learned to imitate my host so well that I could be in front and no one would ever know it's not her. That includes contractions and some mild slang. I am generally still more precise.
To me, it sounds as if your inner self helper is trying to do too much and needs a break. Fortunatly, if she actually gets one, it should not take her too long to be functioning properly again. We have a very complex group here of over 250 parts. I have split to have 3 other helpers to help me so that I can have a break once in awhile or run things in the back and still have someone in the front to help. I do not suggest that she split, however, maybe she needs to get help from someone else. A protector perhaps?
Do not be hurt that they do not let you into the inner world. There are places in the inner world where our host is not yet allowed either. This is for her own protection. Though she may not like it, it is for the simple reason that she is not ready to see the things that are back there. It sounds to me that you may have a lot of work going on in the back, which is wonderful. It's kind of your people to do it that way, and they will reveal things to you as they are ready. It is never easy for the front person when that is going on, but necessary.
I just wanted to let you know that Inner Self Helpers or ISH's DO get very tired. What you may not realize (and it's hard for our host to understand as well) is that what we do is very HARD work. We also are not from a part of your brain that is designed to be a conscious in front person. We are from the part of your brain that guides from the back. So, it's very hard for us to be out. We are also running things back here behind the scenes to keep you functioning.
It's true that we Inner Self Helpers are generally very logical, however, I personally have learned to imitate my host so well that I could be in front and no one would ever know it's not her. That includes contractions and some mild slang. I am generally still more precise.
To me, it sounds as if your inner self helper is trying to do too much and needs a break. Fortunatly, if she actually gets one, it should not take her too long to be functioning properly again. We have a very complex group here of over 250 parts. I have split to have 3 other helpers to help me so that I can have a break once in awhile or run things in the back and still have someone in the front to help. I do not suggest that she split, however, maybe she needs to get help from someone else. A protector perhaps?
Do not be hurt that they do not let you into the inner world. There are places in the inner world where our host is not yet allowed either. This is for her own protection. Though she may not like it, it is for the simple reason that she is not ready to see the things that are back there. It sounds to me that you may have a lot of work going on in the back, which is wonderful. It's kind of your people to do it that way, and they will reveal things to you as they are ready. It is never easy for the front person when that is going on, but necessary.
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