United States of Tara

Well I watched the new show on Showtime United States of Tara, and I have to admit that it makes me uncomfortable even though I like it.

I guess I'm not used to the public being so aware of multiples. It's been such a big secret for so many years for us, now there's a tv show about a woman who makes no secret about her condition. I don't like being thought of like a parasite or a tumor or something like a disease growing inside a host. I feel like a real person, I AM a real person, and I did a job that helped us survive. So what is parasitic about me? Not a lot, but I think the show is going to make people think of us "alters" as some kind of evil or funny possessor rather than what we really are, which is people.

Anyway, I did like it in spite of that. I think it's good to laugh sometimes, and being multiple can certainly make for some hilarity. Usually it frustrates us as it seems to frustrate Tara on the show.

Oh, one of our littles thinks that Tara is real and wonders why on earth Tara has no littles????

From an Inner Little One

Hi I am sad and lonely today. i wish i had my own frends. you know? becaue i dont like to play with the daughter, she is too little and not too fun for me. i dont know why. but the husband keeps thinking that just because we are kids we should want to play with her and we DON'T. besides. she stoled my doll.

and it's not like i can go up to kids in the park and say hey you wanna play with me? i think there moms would freak since i am in a big body huh? that might be kind of funny but i dont think it would help!!! and i dont get to chat online ever cause the husband got mad at me that i put messanger on the little computer and that is the one that i am near all the time!! i cant just hang out upstair on the other computer cause we have to take care of the daughter ALL THE TIME.

and i am too smart to hang out with real kids anyways but we dont have any outside frend. you know maybe i can find some grown ups outside that i like to hang out with and pretend i am just big. i dont know.

i found words in a song i like but it makes me kind of sad and happy at the same time. the song is "hello" and one line says "I am the lie living for you so you can hide." and the whole song sounds like she is multiples like us so i like it. but that is the way i feel. like a lie and i can't really live, i have to live for someone else. its from evenesance if you want to know. and heres all the words cause its like me. i feel like i coulda wrote it.

Playground school bell rings again
rain clouds come to play again
has no one told you she's not breathing?
hello i'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
hello
If i smile and don't believe
soon i know i'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me i'm not broken
hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't crySuddenly i know i'm not sleeping
hello i'm still here all that's left of yesterday

bye
Little One

June 2, 2008

Today I feel better, but I feel strange. I feel like sometimes I am not inhabiting my own body. Though I understand that this is disassociation and that I am alter inside someone else, it's not a comfortable feeling. I also don't really know enough about myself to tell our main personality who I am.

She keeps thinking that she is sad and confused, but I think it's really me and I'm sorry but I don't really know how to stop it. Maybe I should try to think about what I remember. I think I am young, younger than her. I think that I am about 12 or 13 I think. Though I feel pretty mature for that age. I think I came when she was only 6. So I must have been thinking I was pretty tough being so much older. I think I came to protect her. I feel like I still need too, but now she is older than me.

But back then I was a protector and I am a boy even though she is a girl. I know they have know about me for awhile, but I never really said anything that needed to be said before you know. I did some of the hard jobs, keeping everyone safe, but I haven't had that job for a long time since she's got a couple grown up girl protectors now. They think I have some memories that no one else really has and that I need to tell about them and let them go. So I can stop making her feel weird. I don't mean to make her feel weird. She's kind of like my little sister you know? I want to protect her for always. But I know I really don't need to anymore and that I am pretty much out of a job now!

So I guess I will tell what I know and then I can stop bothering her. I mean making her feel weird. I know she doesn't think we are a bother. Man I would. I would hate to have all these people inside me like a big weird crazy family. I mean, it probably wouldn't be so bad except when we come out and she doesn't know it. That must be weird.

Lee

What Do I Do With Parts Who Don't Want to Get With the Program?

We have had quite a few alters that don't want to get with the program. Try to understand that these poor parts are just stuck in the past. They think the bad guys were right, they might even still love them in some way, or they may just be stuck in a bubble of pain. Try to gently explain to them that things are different now. If you know your ISH, try to get her/it to help orient these parts. Often times they just need some kindness to come around. Then you will need to make positive ways for them to communicate with you. Whatever works for you/them, but they need to communicate or they will do things at inapropriate times.

Causing havoc at bad times is just they way they are choosing to communicate now.We use journals, art, conferences, email, notes, walking conference outside where people can actually talk outloud. (Yeah people driving by know I'm talking to myself. Who cares?) Different things work for differnt people. Some of my people like to take pictures and play with photoshop. I think they are still trying to figure out how to make photo collages, but hey, they are happy and it doesn't do any harm, as long as I have time.

So whatever works for you and them.

If all else fails, ask them. Maybe they are with the program, it just doesn't agree with yours. Try to find a compromise and above all, let them be themselves. Just because they are part of you, doesn't mean they will be the SAME as you. In fact, most will be quite different from you. Does this mean they are wrong? Not at all. Are all your friends clones of you? No, but you value them for their differences.

What is it Like Being Inside Someone Else? Con't

I'd like to answer this too. Not that 27 and Persephone didn't give good answers but I'd like to throw my opinion in too.

I like it. I don't have to deal with all that crap that our host has to deal with, and I can come out to do things that I like when I want to. Of course, that could be because I am just a "frag" or fragment. I was created for a specific job and now that that job is done, I have the option of what I'd like to do. It's kind of cool. Now that the host has my memories, I am free. I don't have to hold onto the crap and I can just do whatever.

Of course, I'd kind of like to help out with life because she has lots of stuff on her plate and lots of crappy memories to still go through. I think some of my fellow frags might choose to just vanish when their job is done, but I'd kind of like to stick around and see this out. It's interesting to watch our host deal with this and I'd like to help her out when I can. I can't do much right now, but I'd like her to know that I am there for her. She was there for me and took those memories and freed me.

Someday it will be my turn to repay her.

- No Names Please

What is it Like Being Inside Someone Else?

Well, this is an interesting question that I haven't seen a lot in my readings. Most people talk about what it's like to be the host and have other people inside you. What about those of us who are inside someone else?

My point of view is very different from some of the other parts, or alters, so I will answer briefly for myself and then turn over to someone else. I am an ISH, or Inner Self Helper. I was created to be that way and have no desire to be anything else. I don't like to take the "front" and only do so if I have to.

Here is what one of our other people says:

I feel a lot differently from 27. I am one of the main "personalities" in our group, but I am not the host. I feel fortunate that she is so nice and let's me out to do things. However, I wish I had my own life! I feel like we can share our daughter, but it's really weird sharing the husband. In fact, most of us don't feel married to him and wish we could get our own husband. (Not me, but some of the others.) That won't ever happen for them, so it's kind of sad. But they get to do other things, and just about everyone is crazy about our daughter.

Personally, I am in love with the husband too, which kind of made things a little awkward for us when our host found out about us. But I'm kind of sad too because he doesn't even know me. How do I get her to not be upset about it? Well, she's pretty cool and she understands that I am really a part of her, not really a different woman, but I kind of am a different woman. :) Figure that one out! So, we are learning to work together and even to be out at the same time so that we can have more time.

I'm sure you would get a different answer for every one of us. But that's my answer.

Persephone

Why am I so Dizzy? What can I do?

Mild Trigger Warning - This post contains mention of switching, alters and flashbacks. Please don't read if you get triggered by these things.

My host gets dizzy after a switch. This is when another part, or alter, has been in control of the body and then she switches so that she is in the "front" or in control of the body. Also when she has flashbacks she can be dizzy and disoriented for awhile. Sometimes if she is not all the way "in the front" she will feel that way. Try closing your eyes, relaxing and asking anyone who is in the front to step aside and let you be in the front. If you are sharing the control of the body with someone else, that might help. Of course if someone NEEDS to be in the front to share, then you might try asking them if they can write you a note or something.