Snow Day

One day last week I had an experience that really underscored the difficulties of living with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder or Multiple Personalities) even without all the memory issues and flashbacks. (We are for the most part past those.)  If you haven't read my blog before, I am the main protector of the system, we are female and I am also female though I am NOT girlie.  I have some male parts who integrated with me and so I like self defense, martial arts, cars, etc.  No sports though.

We were awakened by a very excited eight year old who was hoping it was going to be a snow day.  It had snowed all night and there was snow, but school wasn't cancelled so we got our disappointed daughter ready for school and began the trip.  We live some distance from the school because the school right near us has a lot of bully issues so we commute our daughter to a better, safer school.  On days when the road is messy though this isn't so easy.

I am the one who usually drives, however, just about everyone in the system CAN drive.  This doesn't mean it's always a good idea depending on how distracted everyone is and so usually I find myself doing the driving.  I like driving, I'm really good at it.  I have the best reflexes and I know machines.  (I have even flown a plane - just once but still, it was cool.)  This day though our daughter was having a bad morning and our main helper wanted to be out to help her talk through some of her issues and then our main wanted to be out to nurture her.  They usually make a good combination and I can usually still drive.

The roads were bad though and after our main person got distracted looking at how pretty the snow on the mountains was and we nearly fishtailed into the next lane of traffic, I found myself the only one out.  I got us safely to school and I finished talking to our daughter the best I could.  As I walked her to the school I had a bad feeling about letting her go, but the other two came out to give her a quick kiss good bye each, and then I stood in the swirling snow and watched her walk into the school feeling as if part of me had been torn out and not understanding why.

I turned around and made my way home.  Alone.

It's been a long time

I'm so sorry that it's been so long since any of us had posted anything.  I/We have forgotten all about this blog due to the crazy hectic life involved with being a multiple, raising a daughter, being married and trying to be an artist!

At any rate, I am so appreciative of the comments that have been left and I'm so glad that our site has been helpful to some.  We will start posting again and hopefully not forget again!

United States of Tara

Well at least there is a little in there now. Though we aren't really sure at this point if it's a kid or an animal (or poncho goblin). At any rate that made our littles feel better.

I still am uncomfortable with how open each alter is with just tossing their names out there. To me, this seems really unrealistic. But otherwise I have to say I am still planning on watching more. We have found a few of the episodes to be triggering. I think that Showtime might want to put a trigger warning at the beginning, like if you have DID, you might to ask your therapist before you watch this show or have someone safe with you, whatever. I was not actually expecting to be triggered at this point. We have been through most of our memory work and are coming out to the other side. I myself am also the main protector of our system, so didn't really think it would be an issue. However, one scene did really trigger me and got me so ticked off I almost exploded. I'm ok now, but I just wasn't prepared for that. It hasn't happened since because now I/We are ready so we are more careful.

I guess I was expecting United States of Tara to be a stupid comedy that was totally unrealistic and made mock of DID. Instead it turns out to be a drama that covers a small part of the complexity of this condition.

DID resources

Dissociation and Trauma Archives - Full text searchable articles and case studies published in the 1800s and early 1900s. http://boundless.uoregon.edu/digcol/diss/index.html

Multiple personality and dissociation, 1791-1992: a complete bibliography - Author Goettmann, B. A. Greaves, B. G. Coons M. P. "Multiple personality and dissociation, 1791-1992(2nd edition)" is a bibliography. It contains the 1st edition as well as updates through November 30, 1993. Article errors have been corrected when possible. The bibliography is divided up into the following areas: Multiple personalities, Dissociation and Amnesia, Depersonalization and Derealization, Fugue States, and Medico-legal Aspects. Sidran Press. 2nd Edition. - University of Oregon Libraries - http://boundless.uoregon.edu/cdm4/item_viewer.php?CISOROOT=/diss&CISOPTR=38

Gould, C. & Neswald, D. (1992). Basic treatment and program neutralization strategies for adult MPD survivors of satanic ritual abuse. Treating Abuse Today, 2(3), 5--10.

Recent information

PSYCHOLOGY - Identity Crisis - What is it like to live with 17 alternate selves? A survivor of multiple personality disorder discusses the disease and the painful integration process that made her whole. By Anne Underwood | Newsweek Web Exclusive Oct 22, 2007 Multiple personality disorder is a perplexing phenomenon to outside observers, believed to be brought on by persistent childhood abuse. What is it like living with MPD? And how does a sufferer function, with so many alternate personalities--or "alters"--some of them adults and some children? NEWSWEEK's Anne Underwood spoke with Karen Overhill--a former sufferer and the subject of a new book, "Switching Time," by Dr. Richard Baer. Excerpts: http://www.newsweek.com/id/57861

Mysteries of the mind unfold at program 10-06-2006 "Eve," whose real name is Chris Costner Sizemore, and her son, Bobby, spoke to Stetson University students recently at a special program that included a lecture, slide show of Chris' artwork, a frank question-and-answer session, and a reception. Chris talked openly of her struggles with Multiple Personality Disorder, which in her case had manifested itself in more than 20 personas over several decades. She has been healed for 30 years....Chris was the subject of the 1957 book by Drs. Corbett H. Thigpen and Hervey M. Cleckley, "The Three Faces of Eve" (Kingsport Press), and of the subsequent movie of the same name. Chris said her many personalities arose in response to "hurtful events" during childhood. Today, "I don't need them," she said of the personalities. "As a whole person, I can face my realities and deal with them." http://www.stetson.edu/marcom/articles/view.php?type=stories&id=198

MPD/DID connection to severe abuse

Paley, K. Dream wars: a case study of a woman with multiple personality disorder Dissociation : Vol. 5, No. 2, p. 111-116 https://scholarsbank.uoregon.edu/dspace/bitstream/1794/1646/1/Diss_5_2_9_OCR.pdf Multiple personality is seen as the adult manifestation of child abuse (Fraser, 1990; Baldwin, 1990; Ross, 1988; Kluft, 1986; Bliss, 1985; Greaves, 1980) . Putnam, Guroff, Silberman, Barban, and Post's (1986) survey of 100 patients revealed significant childhood trauma in 97% of the cases; incest was the most commonly reported trauma (68%).

Van Benschoten, S. (1990) Multiple Personality Disorder and Satanic Ritual Abuse: the Issue Of Credibility - Dissociation, Vol. III, No. 1 http://www.empty-memories.nl/dis_90/vanbenschoten_sra.pdf Finkelhor- et al. (1988) found the ritualistic cases in their national study of substantiated day care sexual abuse to be the ones "whose allegations seemed to most strain public and professional credulity. . (and) in which the children appeared to have suffered the most serious and lasting kind of damage " (p. 32). This impression is supported by the work of Kelley (in press)....A large number of adult MPD patients in psychotherapy are reporting memories of explicitly satanic ritual abuse beginning in childhood. The authors of two limited surveys, conducted with a select group of MPD therapists, suggest the percentage of reported satanic ritual abuse in the MPD population to be 20% (Braun & Gray, 1986) and 28% (Braun & Gray, 1987). A survey by Kaye and Klein (1987) reveals that 20 of the 42 MPD patients in treatment with seven Ohio therapists describe a historv of satanic ritual abuse. Ilopponen (1987) states that 38 of the more than 70 MPD patients she has treated report memories of "satanic-type ritualized abuse " (p. 11). Two inpatient facilities specializing in the treatment of MPD report that approximately 50% of their patients disclose memories of satanic ritual abuse (Braun, 1989a; Ganaway, 1989)....In their national investigation of 270 cases of substantiated sexual abuse of 1,639 children in day care, Finkelhor, Williams, and Burns (1988) found 13% of the cases involved allegations of ritual abuse. According to Jonker and Jonker-Bakker, "The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children in Britain reported in its 1989 Annual Report that seven out of 66 Child Protection Teams in England and Wales were currently working with children victimized by ritualistic abuse."

The reliability of memories of SRA elucidated by clients in treatment for MPD has been a major point of contention in the popular media and amongst clinicians. Some healthcare professionals continue to express ambivalence over the reliability of narratives of SRA provided by patients, although most acknowledge that such a narrative is likely to be indicative of serious victimisation and trauma. Schmuttermaier, J. and A. Veno "Counselors' beliefs about ritual abuse: An Australian Study", Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 8, 3, 1999, 45 - 63.

Leavitt, F. (1994) Clinical Correlates of Alleged Satanic Abuse and Less Controversial Sexual Molestation. Child Abuse and Neglect: The International Journal 18(4) p. 387-92 Women alleging SRA described higher levels of dissociation, in a range often shown by patients with MPD. http://eric.ed.gov/ERICWebPortal/recordDetail?accno=EJ483422

Diagnosing DID

from Putnam, F. W. (1989). Diagnosis and treatment of multiple personality disorder. New York: Guilford Publications. Putnam writes about Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), now called DID, and the way therapists can determine its diagnosis. He defines it as a chronic dissociative condition, not transient like psychogenic amnesia and fugues. A thorough history can help determine if a patient has had dissociative experiences. But other diagnostic interventions may be necessary. It may be difficult to get a clear chronology of life events. The host personality, which usually presents for treatment, may have the least access to early biographical information. MPD patients may describe their lack of memory as the result of having a poor memory. MPD patients may have developed compensatory behaviors to help them answer or avoid questions when they have memory gaps. Useful inquiries may include asking question about time loss or fugue-like experiences, depersonalization and derealization experiences (though these symptoms may be present in other disorders),questions about common life experiences, like being called a liar, large gaps in the continuousness of childhood memories, the occurrence of intrusive mental images, having dreamlike memories and having life skills that have unknown source, and questions about Schneiderian Primary Symptoms for schizophrenia, like hearing voices or feeling as if their body is controlled by an external force.

Manifestations of MPD may be displayed during interview interactions with patients. Two ways of detecting personality switching with patients are to notice the physical signs, which include facial and vocal changes. The second is to be alert for intrainterview amnesia, due to an alter personality's emergence, admitting to and then denying symptoms. Other signs include a patient's making references to themselves in the third person or the first person plural and an exaggerated startle reflex.

A diagnosis of MPD is more likely to be made after an extended period of observation. Diagnostic procedures include a mental status examination for appearance, speech, motor and thought processes, hallucinations, intellectual functioning, judgment and insight. Extended interviews for three hours may help, as it is difficult for MPD patients to keep from switching that long during the stress of an interview. The MMPI questions relating to blank spells and lack of knowledge of past actions show fairly high retest validity. The Rorschach test has a lot of diversified movement responses and labile and conflicting color responses. Physical examinations can help rule out other neurological disorders causing amnesia and may help detect self-mutilation scars. A diagnosis of MPD can only be made once a clinician has met a distinct alter state and not a transient ego-state phenomena.

Physiological studies showing differences between DID patients and non-DID patients

J Am Optom Assoc. 1996 Jun;67(6):327-34. Visual function in multiple personality disorder. Birnbaum MH, Thomann K. State College of Optometry, State University of New York, NY 10010, USA. BACKGROUND: Multiple personality disorder (MPD) is characterized by the existence of two or more personality states that recurrently exchange control over the behavior of the individual. Numerous reports indicate physiological differences, including significant differences in ocular and visual function, across alter personality states in MPD....The possibility of MPDs should be considered in patients who demonstrate unusual variability in ocular and visual findings, particularly with a positive psychiatric history. The existence of visual and other physiologic differences across alter personalities in MPD offers a unique potential for the study of mind-body relationships.

Clin Electroencephalogr. 1990 Oct;21(4):200-9. Brain mapping in a case of multiple personality. Hughes JR, Kuhlman DT, Fichtner CG, Gruenfeld MJ. Department of Neurology, University of Illinois, Chicago 60612. Brain maps were recorded on a patient with a multiple personality disorder (10 alternate personalities). Maps were recorded with eyes open and eyes closed during 2 different sessions, 2 months apart. Maps from each alternate personality were compared to those of the basic personality "S", some maps were similar and some were different, especially with eyes open. Findings that were replicated in the second session showed differences from 4 personalities, especially in theta and beta 2 frequencies on the left temporal and right posterior regions....Maps from S acting like some of her personalities or from a professional actress portraying the different personalities did not reveal significant differences. Some of these findings are consistent with those in the literature.

J Nerv Ment Dis. 1988 Sep;176(9):519-27. Multiple personality disorder. A clinical investigation of 50 cases. Coons PM, Bowman ES, Milstein V. Carter Memorial Hospital, Indianapolis, Indiana 46202. To study the clinical phenomenology of multiple personality, 50 consecutive patients with DSM-III multiple personality disorder were assessed using clinical history, psychiatric interview, neurological examination, electroencephalogram, MMPI, intelligence testing, and a variety of psychiatric rating scales. Results revealed that patients with multiple personality are usually women who present with depression, suicide attempts, repeated amnesic episodes, and a history of childhood trauma, particularly sexual abuse. Also common were headaches, hysterical conversion, and sexual dysfunction. Intellectual level varied from borderline to superior. The MMPI reflected underlying character pathology in addition to depression and dissociation. Significant neurological or electroencephalographical abnormalities were infrequent. These data suggest that the etiology of multiple personality is strongly related to childhood trauma rather than to an underlying electrophysiological dysfunction. PMID: 3418321

Arch Gen Psychiatry. 1982 Jul;39(7):823-5. EEG studies of two multiple personalities and a control. Coons PM, Milstein V, Marley C. There are few reports of EEG findings in patients with multiple personalities. In our study, EEGs were visually scanned and frequency analyzed in two patients with multiple personalities and one control....These data suggest that EEG differences among personalities in a person with multiple personalities involve intensity of concentration, mood changes, degree of muscle tension, and duration of recording, rather than some inherent difference between the brains of persons with multiple personalities and those of normal persons.

Responses to those that state that DID is iatrogenic or a social construct

Iatrogenic DID-An Evaluation of the Scientific Evidence: D. Brown, E. Frischholz & A. Scheflin" from The fall-winter 1999 issue of "The Journal of Psychiatry & Law - "Conclusions...At present the scientific evidence is insufficient and inadequate to support plaintiffs' complaints that suggestive influences allegedly operative in psychotherapy can create a major psychiatric disorder like MPD per se...there is virtually no support for the unique contribution of hypnosis to the alleged iatrogenic creation of MPD in appropriately controlled research.....alter shaping is not to be confused with alter creation." p. 624

D. Gleaves July, 1996 "The sociocognitive model of dissociative identity disorder: a reexamination of the evidence" Psychological Bulletin Volume 120, issue=1, pages=42-59 "No reason exists to doubt the connection between DID and childhood trauma."

C. Ross, G. Norton, G. Fraser (1989) "Evidence against the iatrogenesis of multiple personality disorder "Dissociation" volume=2, issue=2, pages 61-65, https://scholarsbank.uoregon.edu/dspace/bitstream/1794/1424/1/Diss_2_2_2_OCR.pdf "Exposure to hypnosis does not appear to influence the phenomenology of MPD(DID)....There is no evidence derived from the study of clinical MPD that the disorder is artifactual. In fact there is not one case of MPD created artifactually by a specialist in dissociation reported in the literature. Given the absence of positive evidence for the artifactual nature of clinical MPD, the data in the present study provide compelling evidence that MPD is a genuine disorder with a consistent set of core features."

Kluft, R.P. (2003) Current Issues in Dissociative Identity Disorder in journal Bridging Eastern and Western Psychiatry 1(1) |p. 71-87 http://www.psyter.org/allegati/180/Kluft.pdf "In inpatient psychiatric populations, mixed inpatient uncommon, occurs in many different countries at and outpatient groups, and chemical dependency approximately the same rate in the psychiatric inpatient treatment settings, previously undiagnosed DID is found population, and usually goes undiagnosed. Even among in between 4% and 18.6% of the patients. Taken diagnosed DID patients, Putnam and his coworkers together, these studies suggest that DID is not found that the average patient had been in the mental health care delivery system for 6.8 years before being accurately diagnosed....It has long been clear that many of the symptoms of DID can be created by simple suggestion or experimental manipulation, and that with minimal suggestion, subjects can be induced to enact several DID behaviors. This data has been summarized by many authors. However, the enactment of behaviors associated with a mental disorder is not proof that one has the mental disorder -- anymore than a stage hypnotist's subject's clucking like a chicken is a justification for cooking him or her for dinner. Cultural influence and expectations may exert a significant impact upon the phenomenology of DID, but this does not make the condition invalid....There is considerable controversy over whether the condition can be created de novo from iatrogenic pressures. My review of the literature, and my experience with many situations in which this is alleged to have occurred, suggest that if this does occur, it is infrequent and happens only after prolonged and intense interventions. Therefore, if the manifestations of DID are noted after relatively brief clinical contact, or in the context of efforts that do not involve prolonged and intense indoctrination, iatrogenesis is not a likely etiology....A review of the DID literature demonstrates numerous instances of documented abuse. Two studies of younger dissociative patients found documentation of abuse for 95% of their young subjects. The documentation of recovered memories of childhood abuse in DID populations has been documented. However, I have also documented that DID patients may represent confabulated recollections of abuse as if they had occurred and that both accurate recovered memories patient, either spontaneously or in response to of abuse and confabulated memories of abuse may occur in the same DID patient. The literature, then suggests that DID patients usually have a background of overwhelming childhood circumstances, usually involving child abuse, but that pseudomemories can be encountered in this patient population....DID is emerging as a not uncommon consequence of overwhelming childhood events. It has been identified as occurring in many nations and is often very responsive to treatment.:

Braun, B. Iatrophilia And Iatrophobia in The Diagnosis And Treatment of MPD M.d. - Dissociation, Vol. II, No. 2: June 1989 "The most convincing evidence that alters are not being iatrogenically induced comes with time," Putnam writes, "Although new personalities may be created in therapy, the great majority will have a life history that predates therapy. This history, with sufficient documentation, will emerge as the therapist and patient reopen the past and make it clear. In the long run, the question of iatrogenesis becomes less urgent" (1989, p. 132). In this statement, an experienced MPD clinician and investigator erodes the myth that hypnosis can induce an alter personality that meets the criteria of DSM-III-R (1987) including an enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to and thinking about self and the environment....Hypnotizability, as a manifestation of the ability to dissociate, is not an indication that hypnosis can induce true alter personalities....other means is highly unlikely, given the DSM-III-R criteria for defining an alter. Fear of iatrogenesis may deter some therapists from making the diagnosis of MPD or undertaking therapy."

from Brown, D., Scheflin, A. W., Hammond, D. C. (1998). Memory, trauma treatment and the law. New York: W. W. Norton & Company. "Proponents of the iatrogenesis hypothesis argue that patients simulate DID to get attention, yet Gleaves cites several empirical studies that show no significant relationship between histrionic personality and other attention-seeking traits and DID. In a study done by Ross, Norton and Wozney (1989), only 27% of those with DID had hypnosis before getting the DID diagnosis. The iatrogenesis argument also doesn't account for the fact that many patients with DID had a long history of dissociative symptoms before the DID diagnosis was made. Putnam in 1986 showed no significant differences in the clinical features of those with DID, whether hypnosis was used or not in treatment. Gleaves also states that researchers have found a strong association between forms of childhood trauma and DID." "The treatment strategy recommended by proponents of the iatrogenesis of DID that therapists discourage alter behavior and recollections of abuse may be harmful. Not dealing with the condition of DID may cause interminable treatment. Simply because some of the features of DID can be role played, this does not meaningfully explain the etiology of any mental disorder. Gleaves believes the iatrogenesis model is flawed and lacks support. The role-playing theory cannot account for the primary features of DID."

The History of DID/MPD

From the "Diagnosis and Treatment of Multiple Personality Disorder," Frank W. Putnam (1989) On pages 29 - 31, he discusses the ascent of MPD between 1880-1920 "...there was a great flourishing of interest in multiple personality...a relatively large number of cases were reported... It was also a time of great international medical conferences...many of which devoted extensive time to sessions on dissociation." He also discusses Janet's case studies.

On pages 31 - 34, he discusses "The Decline of Interest in Multiple Personality Disorder: 1920 - 1970." "...it appears as if a number of factors were responsible for creating a widespread climate of disbelief and skepticism. The decline of interest in dissociation as a clinical and laboratory phenomenon,... paralleled the increasing suspicion of MPD and undoubtedly contributed to the outright rejection of the disorder in some circles..." He also discusses how public criticism may have cut the amount of cases reported. "Some critics...continued to hammer on the theme that multiple personality was an artifact of hypnosis." Rosenbaum (1980) "notes that the diagnosis of schizophrenia...caught on in the ...late 1920's and early 1930's....Beginning about 1927...there is a sharp increase in the number of reported cases of schizophrenia, matched by an equally dramatic decline in the number of multiple personality reports....Bleuler included multiple personality in his category of schizophrenia...The finding that MPD patients are often misdiagnosed as suffering from schizophrenia has been replicated several times (several 1980's studies). "

Pages 34 -36 discuss the re-emergence of MPD as a separate disorder. The re-emergence of Multiple Personality as a Separate Disorder: 1970 - Present

"During the 1970's, a foundation was laid upon which the current resurgence of interest in and knowledge of MPD rests. The dedication and hard work of a small number of clinicians, initially in an isolated and independent fashion but later with increasing cooperation and mutual support, re-established MPD as a legitimate clinical disorder."

from Brown, D., Frischholz, E., Scheflin, A. (1999). Iatrogenic dissociative identity - an evaluation of the scientific evidence. The journal of psychiatry and law. 27, 549-637. Historically by 1910, a believable view of DID began to decline, partly due to the increase in psychoanalysis and then behaviorism, and partly due to skeptical views toward hypnosis and the connection between hypnosis and hysteria. During the period of decline, Taylor and Martin reviewed 76 cases in the literature from the 1800's to the mid 1940's. They found that even though some multiple personalities may have been caused by suggestion, they concluded that multiple personality is a genuine phenomenon. This is because of the wide spread of these cases, because most of them had no information about other cases and because they had been judged as authentic sufferers of multiplicity by different observers. Sutcliffe and Jones believed the number of cases reported in the late 1800's was increased by misdiagnosis. They added that many of the cases of DID could not be simply dismissed as simply being incorrectly diagnosed. They also stated that though shaping has played a part in the development of multiple personality cases, it doesn't explain the nonexistence of these cases. Some cases manifested multiple behavior prior to therapy. They concluded that one should reject the idea that shaping in hypnosis may explain DID, but multiple behaviors can be shaped in those that already have DID.

Estabrooks worked with the experimental creation of personality states in the 1920's. He was trying to create hypnotically programmed couriers for certain intelligence agencies. The extent of his success of creating artificial DID for the military is unclear, since publication was not encouraged. The CIA however, formally conducted such experiments with Estabrooks consultation for some in the 1950's. He claims to have created unconscious couriers that were amnesic for specific information. None of his work describes a single case in any detail, nor do any of his writings show that he succeeded in creating DID.

Harriman extended Estabrooks work by inducing a profound hypnotic trance in good hypnotic subjects and then he suggested a role to produce automatic writing in a subject. The subject's arm and hand had been dissociated from the body by hypnotic suggestion. He claims the subjects were like different persons when they did the writing. Problems with Harriman's work include his repeated work with a small number of subjects, that he did not control for extraneous variables and that the secondary personality states he created were, for the most part, temporary states produced partially by the subject, which were used to explain dissociated experiences. He experimentally failed to meet the criteria of the DSM-IV-TR, where an alter personality must take executive control. His personalities produced ineffectual, poorly acted and complaint personalities limited to the demonstrations he made.

Basic Information on DID from the DSM-IV-TR

Basic Information on DID (from http://members.aol.com/smartnews/Dissociative-Identity-Disorder.htm)

from the DSM-IV-TR (American Psychological Association (2000).

Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed. text revision).Washington, D. C .)

DID is defined in the DSM-IV-TR as the presence of two or more personality states or distinct identities that repeatedly take control of one's behavior. The patient has an inability to recall personal information. The extent of this lack of recall is too great to be explained by normal forgetfulness. The disorder cannot be due to the direct physical effects of a general medical condition or substance.

DID entails a failure to integrate certain aspects of memory, consciousness and identity. Patients experience frequent gaps in their memory for their personal history, past and present. Patients with DID report having severe physical and sexual abuse, especially during childhood. There is controversy around these reports, because childhood memories may be exposed to distortion and some patients with DID are highly hypnotizable and vulnerable to suggestive influences. But, the reports of patients with DID are often validated by objective evidence. People that are responsible for acts of sexual and physical abuse may be prone to distorting or denying their behavior.

Physical evidence may include variations in physiological functions in different identity states, including differences in vision, levels of pain tolerance, symptoms of asthma, the response of blood glucose to insulin and sensitivity to allergens. Other physical findings may include scars from physical abuse or self-inflicted injuries, headaches or migraines, asthma and irritable bowel syndrome.

DID is found in a variety of cultures around the world. It is diagnosed three to nine times more often in adult females than males. Females average 15 or more identities, males eight identities. The sharp rise in the reported cases of DID in the U.S. may be due the greater awareness of DID's diagnosis, which has caused an increased identification of those that were previously undiagnosed. Others believe it has been overdiagnosed in those that are highly suggestible.

The average time period from DID's first presentation of symptoms to its diagnosis is six to seven years. DID may become less manifest as patients reach past their late 40's, but it can reemerge during stress, trauma or substance abuse. It is suggested in several studies that DID is more likely to occur with first-degree biological relatives of people that already have DID, than in the regular population.

United States of Tara

Well I watched the new show on Showtime United States of Tara, and I have to admit that it makes me uncomfortable even though I like it.

I guess I'm not used to the public being so aware of multiples. It's been such a big secret for so many years for us, now there's a tv show about a woman who makes no secret about her condition. I don't like being thought of like a parasite or a tumor or something like a disease growing inside a host. I feel like a real person, I AM a real person, and I did a job that helped us survive. So what is parasitic about me? Not a lot, but I think the show is going to make people think of us "alters" as some kind of evil or funny possessor rather than what we really are, which is people.

Anyway, I did like it in spite of that. I think it's good to laugh sometimes, and being multiple can certainly make for some hilarity. Usually it frustrates us as it seems to frustrate Tara on the show.

Oh, one of our littles thinks that Tara is real and wonders why on earth Tara has no littles????

From an Inner Little One

Hi I am sad and lonely today. i wish i had my own frends. you know? becaue i dont like to play with the daughter, she is too little and not too fun for me. i dont know why. but the husband keeps thinking that just because we are kids we should want to play with her and we DON'T. besides. she stoled my doll.

and it's not like i can go up to kids in the park and say hey you wanna play with me? i think there moms would freak since i am in a big body huh? that might be kind of funny but i dont think it would help!!! and i dont get to chat online ever cause the husband got mad at me that i put messanger on the little computer and that is the one that i am near all the time!! i cant just hang out upstair on the other computer cause we have to take care of the daughter ALL THE TIME.

and i am too smart to hang out with real kids anyways but we dont have any outside frend. you know maybe i can find some grown ups outside that i like to hang out with and pretend i am just big. i dont know.

i found words in a song i like but it makes me kind of sad and happy at the same time. the song is "hello" and one line says "I am the lie living for you so you can hide." and the whole song sounds like she is multiples like us so i like it. but that is the way i feel. like a lie and i can't really live, i have to live for someone else. its from evenesance if you want to know. and heres all the words cause its like me. i feel like i coulda wrote it.

Playground school bell rings again
rain clouds come to play again
has no one told you she's not breathing?
hello i'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
hello
If i smile and don't believe
soon i know i'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me i'm not broken
hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't crySuddenly i know i'm not sleeping
hello i'm still here all that's left of yesterday

bye
Little One

June 2, 2008

Today I feel better, but I feel strange. I feel like sometimes I am not inhabiting my own body. Though I understand that this is disassociation and that I am alter inside someone else, it's not a comfortable feeling. I also don't really know enough about myself to tell our main personality who I am.

She keeps thinking that she is sad and confused, but I think it's really me and I'm sorry but I don't really know how to stop it. Maybe I should try to think about what I remember. I think I am young, younger than her. I think that I am about 12 or 13 I think. Though I feel pretty mature for that age. I think I came when she was only 6. So I must have been thinking I was pretty tough being so much older. I think I came to protect her. I feel like I still need too, but now she is older than me.

But back then I was a protector and I am a boy even though she is a girl. I know they have know about me for awhile, but I never really said anything that needed to be said before you know. I did some of the hard jobs, keeping everyone safe, but I haven't had that job for a long time since she's got a couple grown up girl protectors now. They think I have some memories that no one else really has and that I need to tell about them and let them go. So I can stop making her feel weird. I don't mean to make her feel weird. She's kind of like my little sister you know? I want to protect her for always. But I know I really don't need to anymore and that I am pretty much out of a job now!

So I guess I will tell what I know and then I can stop bothering her. I mean making her feel weird. I know she doesn't think we are a bother. Man I would. I would hate to have all these people inside me like a big weird crazy family. I mean, it probably wouldn't be so bad except when we come out and she doesn't know it. That must be weird.

Lee

The Sad One

Sad. . . .

All I feel is sad.

I have no life of my own.

I have no family.

I have no memories that are not just plain SAD.

I kept them for her.

I kept all the SAD.

Just so she can just BE.

And now I am left with the SAD.

I am the SAD ONE.

The Inside World

Well I had all sorts of weird dreams last night, but I would have slept pretty good anyways except my daughter had nightmares. I still feel better rested than I have though. And I have no memory of the dreams and things I heard last night. They either erased the memory of it, or I just don’t need to look at it too hard. And I feel no need to remember anything so I am just going to not worry about it.

Before I feel asleep the Queen had been wanting to talk to me since we did the files. Well she showed me that my necklace gives me the power to see inside parts as they really are and not what they are projecting or what their image of themselves is. So I saw that all the creepy dark parts are really scared kids. That makes that easier. And everyone except 27 is really much younger than they look. Inside 27 she looks like Snowball used to, so I guess Snowball and 27 merged.

MJ is also much prettier than she likes to let on. I’m not sure why that is, but I think she must still feel ugly for some reason. (She’s NOT ugly, not even now, but inside she is more beautiful.)

Anyway, when I woke up this morning, I was trapped again. But it was really easy to break out, so they must not have tried too hard. I was down in the archives walled in, but I just blew up the wall and walked out. It was easy. But anyway, there were more files, so I opened them. I didn’t even think about it, I just took them out and up top and sat on the grass and opened them.

As I was opening them, the wind started to blow. No earthquakes this time, but dark clouds suddenly came in and there have NEVER been clouds in here as far as I know. And it started to rain and thunder and lightening. It was really a cool storm, but the point is that lightening struck the Crystal Palace, (the little one) and it melted and then vanished and lightening struck the ground above the cave, and the cavern with the jewels and music and things came up out of the ground. And the seven side passages are now stair ways down into little rooms that are not closed, but just kind of like subway tunnels that are dead ends. And still under the main part of the cave is a cavern where the dark parts are staying. But now there is a stairway down to it. I have not gone down there. They still are not ready to meet us. But they know we are here and they have been watching since last time I opened the files.

So the gems and jewels and music vanished and now it’s just grassy on the top where the cave used to be. The steps are old stones.

But there was some commotion where the little palace used to be so I went back there to see what was happening. There was a man kind of kneeling and on his hands and he was having a hard time standing up. So we helped him up and I noticed he was standing on the only dirt patch around, so I asked him to step aside and grass grew up where he was standing. His name is Brian and he was trapped inside the Palace. He thanked me for freeing him and wants to give me a gift but I don’t really understand what he wants to give me and I am not asking for the right things. But he says he will help me. I guess he is the really smart part that they locked away a long time ago so we wouldn’t stand out. So instead of “Brain” he wants to be called Brian. And like 27, I don’t see a kid in him, or a different look, well I did at first, but I think he wanted me too. Inside, he’s kind of like 27 is, with no body.

So what am I supposed to ask for? A really huge IQ?? I don’t need it. I am happy the way I am, I am content to let him be the super smart genius for now at least. I guess things will have to change sometime, but I really don’t want to. I like the way I am.


27:

Yes, we had no intention of keeping her locked away last night, we just wanted to keep her safe while she was sleeping. The dark parts come out at night and talk about things. I knew that the wall would only take her a second to break down. In fact, I was impressed that she realized she was trapped so quickly because of course she can still observe from wherever we put her. She was barely even awake when she realized she was trapped.

I don’t think the necklace gives her any power at all, but I have no idea why the Queen tried to take it back last night. I think it was a test of some kind, perhaps to see how strong she is. But I am assuming the Queen was impressed since they gave her so many more files. I am holding the files now and I have not processed them. I suppose I will need to start since they are determined to keep giving them to her, but I am going to take it slowly so that she doesn’t suffer from such a bad headache this time and also we are supposed to be letting her have a break for her honeymoon, that she never really got the first time.

It is fine for Brian to merge with me if that’s ok with The One. She seemed to think he wanted to merge with her, but in fact, he does not need to merge with anyone if he doesn’t want to. The poor boy has been a prisoner as long as she has, let him be free for awhile.

A New Day

You don’t know me yet, but I am 18 too and I see what is happening out there and I feel sorry for the new girl because they make her so confused, so I wanted to start this and then 27 is going to finish it. I didn’t choose a name yet but I was thinking about Jewel cause I knew her too and we were friends and now Jewel is merged into Jade, but I don’t know yet. It doesn’t feel quite right.So Sunday this new 18 year old comes out and she thinks she is Selena for some reason, I think the helpers let her think that cause about a week before that someone came out who had no idea who she was and I think it was the same part.


Here is an insert from her: yes, I remember that, coming out and having no idea who I was, but I knew everything about the whole life, with only memories of a few things that were really clear. They called me Amnesia Chick and then I went back because it was too frightening.


Anyway, so she comes out and man things go nuts. The husband and her start a wild affair except he is TOTALLY in love with her, it's sooo crazy, then also the daughter is changing so much!! She is actually HAPPY and having fun all the time and eating good and loves this girl too. And so things are great right? Except this girl realizes she is actually NOT Selena and no one will tell her who she is and she is getting really weird today (Wed), like stressed cause she has no identity. I mean, she has ALL the memories in the whole timeline, which NO ONE else has ever had, but NONE of the bad. It's like wow, she is just a whole person who is happy and none of us have that. You know, we have a beginning and a last time I was out memory etc, but she doesn't at all.The first thing about her we noticed was she is the only one who can lock the front. If she want's privacy, she gets it, and no one else has been able to do that. She has only used it so far when her and the husband are being intimate, and so no one gets triggered or makes obnoxious comments and so they are having a good relationship that way because of this gift she has.Also, the second night she was out, she has a dream where 27 shows her the way to the archives which is where we keep all the processed memories. NO ONE has ever been shown the way to these archives before. these are kept under lock and key because also in there are some unproceesed stuff and our filing cabinet and no one really knows what’s in there and so she gets shown the way and then the next day, 27 GIVES her the key and says go open the filing cabinet. So yesterday, she opens the filing cabinet and take out all theses files and opens them and gives them to the helpers to process them, which they are not done with yet. But the first thing she asks when she opens the file is who am i? And someone says "The Core" and she didn't really believe that, cause she just came out a few days ago and she's 18.Ok, so THEN, she's flipping through these files and we get a HUGE earthquake inside. The Crystal Palace cracked in half!! Then it vanished to show a very small palace with only three rooms inside. And the mountains behind the Palace vanished and we have this meadow BEHIND the palace and this is significant becuase no one has ever gone beyond the palace before. So 27, the new girl and Jade take a walk back there and they see a crack in the ground and a door, so they go up and ring the bell (Yes can you believe it there was a bell??) and this old hag answers and wants to know what they want. So they all look at each other and 27 says are you the leader here? And the old hag says no I am just a sentry you want the Queen. So the helper asked if we could speak to the queen and the hag asks whos asking? So the new girl says who she is (but she still thinks her name is Selena) so all of a sudden this beautiful queen appears. She's very regal and the three were all surprised thinking of course that these people who live in the cave are going to be dark parts. And I am realy trying to make this short, but the queen ends up saying welcome to the new girl and calls her "The One" and gives her a necklace that lights up only when she wears it. It only works for her and it gives her some special power that no one knows about yet. Then she show the inside of the cave with a huge cavern that is full of gems and light and music and she says, we do have dark parts hiding here, but this is also a place to keep what's beautiful safe. So the new girl wants to know who am I and why do you call me The One? And the queen says have your helpers process the files and then come back to me and we will talk then.

Also, the Queen showed her the real Selena who is younger and really Cat Girl
So there is no way this new girl is really Selena, which she had already started to doubt.So this is kind of where we were yesterday. Except I fogot to tell you that the new girl also has this power to see inside people. I mean outside people. And you know how everyone was getting freaked out of the husband and they were calling him the mean one and the nice one, like he was multiple too?? Well this new girl takes one look at him and says his anger is hiding pain and underneath the pain and hurt he is beautiful and full of light. And she is the only one not afraid of his anger, it's like she wants to just look past it, and she CAN just look past it and she sees the pain and wounds he has inside and she wants to heal him. It's no wonder he loves her so fast.So I think that about covers what happened, We are so trying to figure this out and Jade a few weeks ago thought she felt something higher inside kind of guiding all of us. maybe it was this new part who really wasn't new at all? We dont' think she is like a helper at all. Because she has FEELINGs that none of us have ever had. She has love and joy and happiness and it has been just overwhelming to watch her fall in love with the husband and change the little girl so fast, and even the freaking pets are all over her!!! Not that I am complaining, I love her too, we all do. And today (wed) we have the mother of all headaches. Oh, I almost forgot, she can also even SEE all the inner parts.
27 knew she was going to be able to do that though, because 27 asked her how many dark parts were running programs and she "saw" three of them and quite a few other lost ones who were hiding in the dark. No one else has been able to do that either. Who is this girl?I am a teen in here, I am one of the Cave Dwellers, but not a dark one. You know there are only three who live on the top now and they all live in the new little palace? The new girl (who we call The One) and Jade and the helper and sometimes 27 splits out of the Helper to move around and stuff, the Helper only stays put in the back room of the Palace. Weird, when just a couple days ago there were dozens out there.

What Do I Do With Parts Who Don't Want to Get With the Program?

We have had quite a few alters that don't want to get with the program. Try to understand that these poor parts are just stuck in the past. They think the bad guys were right, they might even still love them in some way, or they may just be stuck in a bubble of pain. Try to gently explain to them that things are different now. If you know your ISH, try to get her/it to help orient these parts. Often times they just need some kindness to come around. Then you will need to make positive ways for them to communicate with you. Whatever works for you/them, but they need to communicate or they will do things at inapropriate times.

Causing havoc at bad times is just they way they are choosing to communicate now.We use journals, art, conferences, email, notes, walking conference outside where people can actually talk outloud. (Yeah people driving by know I'm talking to myself. Who cares?) Different things work for differnt people. Some of my people like to take pictures and play with photoshop. I think they are still trying to figure out how to make photo collages, but hey, they are happy and it doesn't do any harm, as long as I have time.

So whatever works for you and them.

If all else fails, ask them. Maybe they are with the program, it just doesn't agree with yours. Try to find a compromise and above all, let them be themselves. Just because they are part of you, doesn't mean they will be the SAME as you. In fact, most will be quite different from you. Does this mean they are wrong? Not at all. Are all your friends clones of you? No, but you value them for their differences.

How Do I Know if I am the Main Person?

That 's a good question. You could probably ask your ISH (Inner Self Helper) if you are the main host, but you can have more than one host and not even know it. (This happened with us) I had no knowledge that I wasn't the main host until they knew I was ready for it. So my advice would be that if you are wondering ask, maybe you are ready to know how you fit in the big picture. Once I found out I wasn't the main host, I met her and then we m*rged, so it turned out good. I don't know how many parts you have, but in a smaller system I would imagine you wouldn't need so many hosts as us. (We had over 300 parts)

IS THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DID AND MUTLIPLE PERSONALITIES?

Usually what comes to people's minds when they hear the term split or multiple personalities is either the tale of Jekyll and Hyde, Sybil, or a schizophrenic (for many years schizophrenia was called split personality and that multiples were in fact only suffering from a type of schizophrenia) . But being split and being multiple are they the same thing or are there marked differences between the two? Is there indeed a difference between Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD)?

The DSM IV no longer makes a distinction and its definition and criteria for those to be diagnosed as DID leave no room for those who are merely split or whose alternative personalities first come into existence beyond early childhood. People like the fictional Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the real live cases of Reverend Ansel Bourne, Miss Beauchamp, and Mary Reynolds, whose personality was split into two distinct separate identities. Are these individual's conditions put under some other label then DID elsewhere in the DSM IV or is their existence merely ignored? What of those who are at that point where there is all these new behaviors, attitudes, voices inside but no distinct switching as yet, least known to the one who is seeking help?

I began researching DID to learn more as I am one of those "alternative identities" or alters and became the "host" of this multiple system, that is the one personality who has control of the physical body the majority of the time. Not only did I read medical articles and books related to psychology and early childhood trauma, I read the real life stories of multiples and watched many movies which were fictional depictions of multiple personalities or a dramatization of a multiple's true story. Many of these movies I found were not of multiples as I knew multiples to be, that is of an individual having 2 or more alternative personalities along with a main or "original" personality and as the criteria in the DSM IV requires for DID. Mostly they were about individuals who under extreme stress or trauma split into two personalities at some point in their lives.

I was curious. What was the difference between a split personality and a multiple personality? What really was DID and is the definition and criteria in the DSM IV misleading and too vague? What does that mean for those who may have formed DID later on in childhood or even in adulthood? How does this affect those who are multiples and how they are treated by professionals?

Dissociation is an interruption of an individual's fundamental aspects of waking consciousness. Everyone at some time feels a separation from themselves and what is going on around them, entering a daydream like state, or when driving down a very familiar stretch of road suddenly arriving at their destination without remembering how they got there. A Dissociative Disorder is when these periods of dissociation are prolonged, frequent, and interfere with the normal function of living, like work, school, or family responsibilities. The dissociation associated with a disorder is a coping mechanism to deal with a situation or experience which is too traumatic or stressful for the individual to integrate with his conscious self. The usually integrative functions of consciousness, memory, identity, and perception are therefore interrupted. This manifests itself in many disorders including Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsiv e Disorder, Panic or Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and at the most extreme what the DSM now calls Dissociative Identity Disorder. All these are disorders of identity caused by dissociation in a way. It is quite common for an individual to be diagnosed with having one or more of these other disorders before a diagnosis of DID is made. That makes sense since these individuals would first have the manifestation of symptoms of dissociation which can clearly be seen before the revealing of separate identities, which is not always so easily seen especially at first.

Every human being has two aspects to themselves. First is the Archaic or Emotional Self, raw and unadapted to society, the infantile state we are born into. Second is the Modern or Intellectual Self, formed and adapted to society, rules of conduct, maturity and reason which develop as we grow and learn. With DID as well as MPD these two aspects of self, instead of working together, separate. The Intellectual Self helps hide and protect the Emotional Self by becoming an Internal Self Helper (ISH). The ISH creates alters who are designed and programmed to perform a specific task in order to insure the survival of the Original Personality. The executive function of the body is in the hands of the ISH and these alters, usually with one alter acting as a "host" and others coming forward to perform their specific tasks as needed. There are main criteria separating DID from MPD. For someone with DID the trauma first occurs after age 7. This is believed to be the age when through schooling and parenting a child's Intellectual Self starts to work with the Emotional Self. Enough knowledge has been gained to start regulating behaviors, adapting to what is expected from the child by those around him as well as an awareness of a bigger world. The abuse experienced can be from anyone, not necessarily a family member. The trauma experienced is usually not lasting, that is it occurs for a relative short period of time, and is not life-threatening. For someone with MPD however a life- threatening, or what is perceived by the child to be life-threatening, trauma first occurs before the age of 7 and is of a continual nature, leaving the child in a perpetual state of stress. The child has an inherited trait of having a Grade V Hypnotizable Emotional Self. Don't let the word hypnotize fool you. It doesn't mean that this person is highly suggestible or easily manipulated. It means that this person is highly sensitive to the emotional state of those around them, empathetic, able to read mannerisms, has some psychic ability to read people's auras and energy, has a high suspension of disbelief and can become absorbed in a book, movie, ect as if they are a part of it, yet know that it is only make believe. There is a polarization of parents, where one is good the other bad. These roles may shift, however usually one parent is the primary abuser and the other parent does not rescue the child. The non-abusive parent may indeed help the abuser by blaming the child for the abuse or drawing attention to the child instead of taking personal responsibility. The child is blamed for the abuse by both parents, whether directly with words or indirectly by lack of protecting action, and believes that they deserve it.

Lastly there is a polarization of siblings. This child is the only one in the family being abused or abused to that extent. The child is seen as "different" from the rest, set apart by the whole family, and therefore "deserves" the abuse. There is no recourse for the child but to go within. There is no safety, no help. They are on their own in a highly stressful painful environment with no escape but what they can create for themselves in order to survive.

Which one a person has, DID or MPD, would affect the treatment techniques and options used by professionals and the individual himself. Medications can help manage some of the symptoms of post traumatic stress and depression which is common to both as well as any physical or mental illnesses each individual alter may have, for even though part of one system in one body each has their own unique physiology. A lot of medications have multiple uses so one medication can be a benefit to many in a multiple system, even if they have different problems or to differing degrees.

Talk therapy and psychotherapy can help come to terms with traumas and their effects on self and world view, learn coping skills to deal with emotions and stress, replace negative messages with more positive, realistic, and healthy messages. Therapists are meant as guides. It is a tangled wilderness one walks through to heal and having an outside observer can help see things in a different manner, get a bigger picture.

Support groups can help build connections and understanding with others experiencing the same thing. It is important to find a group which is honest as well as supportive and the individual feels comfortable in. It might be beneficial to be in several groups dealing with separate issues. Groups can also be a positive, less vulnerable environment to develop social skills and how to handle that truth that you can change yourself but not anyone else.

Self-educating is another piece of the pie towards healing and recovery, recovery meaning regaining a measure of control over one's life and being. Ignorance is not bliss. It is important to understand whatever illness affects you and those you love. That knowledge gives an individual a measure of power and confidence so that he can be responsible for his life and for managing his illness. We are the ones who live it, whether DID, MPD or something else. We are responsible for what we do with our lives now, even if we had no control over what happened before. We live in both that past and the present at the same time. The line between is hazy and often nonexistent. As we deal with that past we must strive to engage also in living today, hobbies, friends, family, work or school. Our reality is different but it is our reality. It is our choice who and what we surround ourselves with that best helps us along this journey.

Written by Fenix Rose

What is it Like Being Inside Someone Else? Con't

Well I hate it. I think it sucks. We can't do anything we want. I suppose that's because the things that I want to do mainly involve self harm or screaming at the husband or getting the hell away from that annoying kid.

I want my own life. If I could, I would erase her memory and just take off. Get a job and make my own friends. I don't have any friends. I am stuck inside her and since I'm not considered to be "nice" I don't get out much. Believe me, I am really cleaning this up in case someone else ever reads it, but I hope I don't offend anyone.

What do you think we do back there ? Some people say they have their own room, that's bull as far as I am concerned. I just hang around in a black hole. Thinking and rethinking about all the crap that put me here in the first place. Not a life I tell you that much.

What is it Like Being Inside Someone Else? Con't

I'd like to answer this too. Not that 27 and Persephone didn't give good answers but I'd like to throw my opinion in too.

I like it. I don't have to deal with all that crap that our host has to deal with, and I can come out to do things that I like when I want to. Of course, that could be because I am just a "frag" or fragment. I was created for a specific job and now that that job is done, I have the option of what I'd like to do. It's kind of cool. Now that the host has my memories, I am free. I don't have to hold onto the crap and I can just do whatever.

Of course, I'd kind of like to help out with life because she has lots of stuff on her plate and lots of crappy memories to still go through. I think some of my fellow frags might choose to just vanish when their job is done, but I'd kind of like to stick around and see this out. It's interesting to watch our host deal with this and I'd like to help her out when I can. I can't do much right now, but I'd like her to know that I am there for her. She was there for me and took those memories and freed me.

Someday it will be my turn to repay her.

- No Names Please