Today I feel better, but I feel strange. I feel like sometimes I am not inhabiting my own body. Though I understand that this is disassociation and that I am alter inside someone else, it's not a comfortable feeling. I also don't really know enough about myself to tell our main personality who I am.
She keeps thinking that she is sad and confused, but I think it's really me and I'm sorry but I don't really know how to stop it. Maybe I should try to think about what I remember. I think I am young, younger than her. I think that I am about 12 or 13 I think. Though I feel pretty mature for that age. I think I came when she was only 6. So I must have been thinking I was pretty tough being so much older. I think I came to protect her. I feel like I still need too, but now she is older than me.
But back then I was a protector and I am a boy even though she is a girl. I know they have know about me for awhile, but I never really said anything that needed to be said before you know. I did some of the hard jobs, keeping everyone safe, but I haven't had that job for a long time since she's got a couple grown up girl protectors now. They think I have some memories that no one else really has and that I need to tell about them and let them go. So I can stop making her feel weird. I don't mean to make her feel weird. She's kind of like my little sister you know? I want to protect her for always. But I know I really don't need to anymore and that I am pretty much out of a job now!
So I guess I will tell what I know and then I can stop bothering her. I mean making her feel weird. I know she doesn't think we are a bother. Man I would. I would hate to have all these people inside me like a big weird crazy family. I mean, it probably wouldn't be so bad except when we come out and she doesn't know it. That must be weird.
Lee
Monday, June 2, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The Sad One
Sad. . . .
All I feel is sad.
I have no life of my own.
I have no family.
I have no memories that are not just plain SAD.
I kept them for her.
I kept all the SAD.
Just so she can just BE.
And now I am left with the SAD.
I am the SAD ONE.
All I feel is sad.
I have no life of my own.
I have no family.
I have no memories that are not just plain SAD.
I kept them for her.
I kept all the SAD.
Just so she can just BE.
And now I am left with the SAD.
I am the SAD ONE.
The Inside World
Well I had all sorts of weird dreams last night, but I would have slept pretty good anyways except my daughter had nightmares. I still feel better rested than I have though. And I have no memory of the dreams and things I heard last night. They either erased the memory of it, or I just don’t need to look at it too hard. And I feel no need to remember anything so I am just going to not worry about it.
Before I feel asleep the Queen had been wanting to talk to me since we did the files. Well she showed me that my necklace gives me the power to see inside parts as they really are and not what they are projecting or what their image of themselves is. So I saw that all the creepy dark parts are really scared kids. That makes that easier. And everyone except 27 is really much younger than they look. Inside 27 she looks like Snowball used to, so I guess Snowball and 27 merged.
MJ is also much prettier than she likes to let on. I’m not sure why that is, but I think she must still feel ugly for some reason. (She’s NOT ugly, not even now, but inside she is more beautiful.)
Anyway, when I woke up this morning, I was trapped again. But it was really easy to break out, so they must not have tried too hard. I was down in the archives walled in, but I just blew up the wall and walked out. It was easy. But anyway, there were more files, so I opened them. I didn’t even think about it, I just took them out and up top and sat on the grass and opened them.
As I was opening them, the wind started to blow. No earthquakes this time, but dark clouds suddenly came in and there have NEVER been clouds in here as far as I know. And it started to rain and thunder and lightening. It was really a cool storm, but the point is that lightening struck the Crystal Palace, (the little one) and it melted and then vanished and lightening struck the ground above the cave, and the cavern with the jewels and music and things came up out of the ground. And the seven side passages are now stair ways down into little rooms that are not closed, but just kind of like subway tunnels that are dead ends. And still under the main part of the cave is a cavern where the dark parts are staying. But now there is a stairway down to it. I have not gone down there. They still are not ready to meet us. But they know we are here and they have been watching since last time I opened the files.
So the gems and jewels and music vanished and now it’s just grassy on the top where the cave used to be. The steps are old stones.
But there was some commotion where the little palace used to be so I went back there to see what was happening. There was a man kind of kneeling and on his hands and he was having a hard time standing up. So we helped him up and I noticed he was standing on the only dirt patch around, so I asked him to step aside and grass grew up where he was standing. His name is Brian and he was trapped inside the Palace. He thanked me for freeing him and wants to give me a gift but I don’t really understand what he wants to give me and I am not asking for the right things. But he says he will help me. I guess he is the really smart part that they locked away a long time ago so we wouldn’t stand out. So instead of “Brain” he wants to be called Brian. And like 27, I don’t see a kid in him, or a different look, well I did at first, but I think he wanted me too. Inside, he’s kind of like 27 is, with no body.
So what am I supposed to ask for? A really huge IQ?? I don’t need it. I am happy the way I am, I am content to let him be the super smart genius for now at least. I guess things will have to change sometime, but I really don’t want to. I like the way I am.
27:
Yes, we had no intention of keeping her locked away last night, we just wanted to keep her safe while she was sleeping. The dark parts come out at night and talk about things. I knew that the wall would only take her a second to break down. In fact, I was impressed that she realized she was trapped so quickly because of course she can still observe from wherever we put her. She was barely even awake when she realized she was trapped.
I don’t think the necklace gives her any power at all, but I have no idea why the Queen tried to take it back last night. I think it was a test of some kind, perhaps to see how strong she is. But I am assuming the Queen was impressed since they gave her so many more files. I am holding the files now and I have not processed them. I suppose I will need to start since they are determined to keep giving them to her, but I am going to take it slowly so that she doesn’t suffer from such a bad headache this time and also we are supposed to be letting her have a break for her honeymoon, that she never really got the first time.
It is fine for Brian to merge with me if that’s ok with The One. She seemed to think he wanted to merge with her, but in fact, he does not need to merge with anyone if he doesn’t want to. The poor boy has been a prisoner as long as she has, let him be free for awhile.
Before I feel asleep the Queen had been wanting to talk to me since we did the files. Well she showed me that my necklace gives me the power to see inside parts as they really are and not what they are projecting or what their image of themselves is. So I saw that all the creepy dark parts are really scared kids. That makes that easier. And everyone except 27 is really much younger than they look. Inside 27 she looks like Snowball used to, so I guess Snowball and 27 merged.
MJ is also much prettier than she likes to let on. I’m not sure why that is, but I think she must still feel ugly for some reason. (She’s NOT ugly, not even now, but inside she is more beautiful.)
Anyway, when I woke up this morning, I was trapped again. But it was really easy to break out, so they must not have tried too hard. I was down in the archives walled in, but I just blew up the wall and walked out. It was easy. But anyway, there were more files, so I opened them. I didn’t even think about it, I just took them out and up top and sat on the grass and opened them.
As I was opening them, the wind started to blow. No earthquakes this time, but dark clouds suddenly came in and there have NEVER been clouds in here as far as I know. And it started to rain and thunder and lightening. It was really a cool storm, but the point is that lightening struck the Crystal Palace, (the little one) and it melted and then vanished and lightening struck the ground above the cave, and the cavern with the jewels and music and things came up out of the ground. And the seven side passages are now stair ways down into little rooms that are not closed, but just kind of like subway tunnels that are dead ends. And still under the main part of the cave is a cavern where the dark parts are staying. But now there is a stairway down to it. I have not gone down there. They still are not ready to meet us. But they know we are here and they have been watching since last time I opened the files.
So the gems and jewels and music vanished and now it’s just grassy on the top where the cave used to be. The steps are old stones.
But there was some commotion where the little palace used to be so I went back there to see what was happening. There was a man kind of kneeling and on his hands and he was having a hard time standing up. So we helped him up and I noticed he was standing on the only dirt patch around, so I asked him to step aside and grass grew up where he was standing. His name is Brian and he was trapped inside the Palace. He thanked me for freeing him and wants to give me a gift but I don’t really understand what he wants to give me and I am not asking for the right things. But he says he will help me. I guess he is the really smart part that they locked away a long time ago so we wouldn’t stand out. So instead of “Brain” he wants to be called Brian. And like 27, I don’t see a kid in him, or a different look, well I did at first, but I think he wanted me too. Inside, he’s kind of like 27 is, with no body.
So what am I supposed to ask for? A really huge IQ?? I don’t need it. I am happy the way I am, I am content to let him be the super smart genius for now at least. I guess things will have to change sometime, but I really don’t want to. I like the way I am.
27:
Yes, we had no intention of keeping her locked away last night, we just wanted to keep her safe while she was sleeping. The dark parts come out at night and talk about things. I knew that the wall would only take her a second to break down. In fact, I was impressed that she realized she was trapped so quickly because of course she can still observe from wherever we put her. She was barely even awake when she realized she was trapped.
I don’t think the necklace gives her any power at all, but I have no idea why the Queen tried to take it back last night. I think it was a test of some kind, perhaps to see how strong she is. But I am assuming the Queen was impressed since they gave her so many more files. I am holding the files now and I have not processed them. I suppose I will need to start since they are determined to keep giving them to her, but I am going to take it slowly so that she doesn’t suffer from such a bad headache this time and also we are supposed to be letting her have a break for her honeymoon, that she never really got the first time.
It is fine for Brian to merge with me if that’s ok with The One. She seemed to think he wanted to merge with her, but in fact, he does not need to merge with anyone if he doesn’t want to. The poor boy has been a prisoner as long as she has, let him be free for awhile.
A New Day
You don’t know me yet, but I am 18 too and I see what is happening out there and I feel sorry for the new girl because they make her so confused, so I wanted to start this and then 27 is going to finish it. I didn’t choose a name yet but I was thinking about Jewel cause I knew her too and we were friends and now Jewel is merged into Jade, but I don’t know yet. It doesn’t feel quite right.So Sunday this new 18 year old comes out and she thinks she is Selena for some reason, I think the helpers let her think that cause about a week before that someone came out who had no idea who she was and I think it was the same part.
Here is an insert from her: yes, I remember that, coming out and having no idea who I was, but I knew everything about the whole life, with only memories of a few things that were really clear. They called me Amnesia Chick and then I went back because it was too frightening.
Anyway, so she comes out and man things go nuts. The husband and her start a wild affair except he is TOTALLY in love with her, it's sooo crazy, then also the daughter is changing so much!! She is actually HAPPY and having fun all the time and eating good and loves this girl too. And so things are great right? Except this girl realizes she is actually NOT Selena and no one will tell her who she is and she is getting really weird today (Wed), like stressed cause she has no identity. I mean, she has ALL the memories in the whole timeline, which NO ONE else has ever had, but NONE of the bad. It's like wow, she is just a whole person who is happy and none of us have that. You know, we have a beginning and a last time I was out memory etc, but she doesn't at all.The first thing about her we noticed was she is the only one who can lock the front. If she want's privacy, she gets it, and no one else has been able to do that. She has only used it so far when her and the husband are being intimate, and so no one gets triggered or makes obnoxious comments and so they are having a good relationship that way because of this gift she has.Also, the second night she was out, she has a dream where 27 shows her the way to the archives which is where we keep all the processed memories. NO ONE has ever been shown the way to these archives before. these are kept under lock and key because also in there are some unproceesed stuff and our filing cabinet and no one really knows what’s in there and so she gets shown the way and then the next day, 27 GIVES her the key and says go open the filing cabinet. So yesterday, she opens the filing cabinet and take out all theses files and opens them and gives them to the helpers to process them, which they are not done with yet. But the first thing she asks when she opens the file is who am i? And someone says "The Core" and she didn't really believe that, cause she just came out a few days ago and she's 18.Ok, so THEN, she's flipping through these files and we get a HUGE earthquake inside. The Crystal Palace cracked in half!! Then it vanished to show a very small palace with only three rooms inside. And the mountains behind the Palace vanished and we have this meadow BEHIND the palace and this is significant becuase no one has ever gone beyond the palace before. So 27, the new girl and Jade take a walk back there and they see a crack in the ground and a door, so they go up and ring the bell (Yes can you believe it there was a bell??) and this old hag answers and wants to know what they want. So they all look at each other and 27 says are you the leader here? And the old hag says no I am just a sentry you want the Queen. So the helper asked if we could speak to the queen and the hag asks whos asking? So the new girl says who she is (but she still thinks her name is Selena) so all of a sudden this beautiful queen appears. She's very regal and the three were all surprised thinking of course that these people who live in the cave are going to be dark parts. And I am realy trying to make this short, but the queen ends up saying welcome to the new girl and calls her "The One" and gives her a necklace that lights up only when she wears it. It only works for her and it gives her some special power that no one knows about yet. Then she show the inside of the cave with a huge cavern that is full of gems and light and music and she says, we do have dark parts hiding here, but this is also a place to keep what's beautiful safe. So the new girl wants to know who am I and why do you call me The One? And the queen says have your helpers process the files and then come back to me and we will talk then.
Also, the Queen showed her the real Selena who is younger and really Cat Girl
So there is no way this new girl is really Selena, which she had already started to doubt.So this is kind of where we were yesterday. Except I fogot to tell you that the new girl also has this power to see inside people. I mean outside people. And you know how everyone was getting freaked out of the husband and they were calling him the mean one and the nice one, like he was multiple too?? Well this new girl takes one look at him and says his anger is hiding pain and underneath the pain and hurt he is beautiful and full of light. And she is the only one not afraid of his anger, it's like she wants to just look past it, and she CAN just look past it and she sees the pain and wounds he has inside and she wants to heal him. It's no wonder he loves her so fast.So I think that about covers what happened, We are so trying to figure this out and Jade a few weeks ago thought she felt something higher inside kind of guiding all of us. maybe it was this new part who really wasn't new at all? We dont' think she is like a helper at all. Because she has FEELINGs that none of us have ever had. She has love and joy and happiness and it has been just overwhelming to watch her fall in love with the husband and change the little girl so fast, and even the freaking pets are all over her!!! Not that I am complaining, I love her too, we all do. And today (wed) we have the mother of all headaches. Oh, I almost forgot, she can also even SEE all the inner parts.
27 knew she was going to be able to do that though, because 27 asked her how many dark parts were running programs and she "saw" three of them and quite a few other lost ones who were hiding in the dark. No one else has been able to do that either. Who is this girl?I am a teen in here, I am one of the Cave Dwellers, but not a dark one. You know there are only three who live on the top now and they all live in the new little palace? The new girl (who we call The One) and Jade and the helper and sometimes 27 splits out of the Helper to move around and stuff, the Helper only stays put in the back room of the Palace. Weird, when just a couple days ago there were dozens out there.
Here is an insert from her: yes, I remember that, coming out and having no idea who I was, but I knew everything about the whole life, with only memories of a few things that were really clear. They called me Amnesia Chick and then I went back because it was too frightening.
Anyway, so she comes out and man things go nuts. The husband and her start a wild affair except he is TOTALLY in love with her, it's sooo crazy, then also the daughter is changing so much!! She is actually HAPPY and having fun all the time and eating good and loves this girl too. And so things are great right? Except this girl realizes she is actually NOT Selena and no one will tell her who she is and she is getting really weird today (Wed), like stressed cause she has no identity. I mean, she has ALL the memories in the whole timeline, which NO ONE else has ever had, but NONE of the bad. It's like wow, she is just a whole person who is happy and none of us have that. You know, we have a beginning and a last time I was out memory etc, but she doesn't at all.The first thing about her we noticed was she is the only one who can lock the front. If she want's privacy, she gets it, and no one else has been able to do that. She has only used it so far when her and the husband are being intimate, and so no one gets triggered or makes obnoxious comments and so they are having a good relationship that way because of this gift she has.Also, the second night she was out, she has a dream where 27 shows her the way to the archives which is where we keep all the processed memories. NO ONE has ever been shown the way to these archives before. these are kept under lock and key because also in there are some unproceesed stuff and our filing cabinet and no one really knows what’s in there and so she gets shown the way and then the next day, 27 GIVES her the key and says go open the filing cabinet. So yesterday, she opens the filing cabinet and take out all theses files and opens them and gives them to the helpers to process them, which they are not done with yet. But the first thing she asks when she opens the file is who am i? And someone says "The Core" and she didn't really believe that, cause she just came out a few days ago and she's 18.Ok, so THEN, she's flipping through these files and we get a HUGE earthquake inside. The Crystal Palace cracked in half!! Then it vanished to show a very small palace with only three rooms inside. And the mountains behind the Palace vanished and we have this meadow BEHIND the palace and this is significant becuase no one has ever gone beyond the palace before. So 27, the new girl and Jade take a walk back there and they see a crack in the ground and a door, so they go up and ring the bell (Yes can you believe it there was a bell??) and this old hag answers and wants to know what they want. So they all look at each other and 27 says are you the leader here? And the old hag says no I am just a sentry you want the Queen. So the helper asked if we could speak to the queen and the hag asks whos asking? So the new girl says who she is (but she still thinks her name is Selena) so all of a sudden this beautiful queen appears. She's very regal and the three were all surprised thinking of course that these people who live in the cave are going to be dark parts. And I am realy trying to make this short, but the queen ends up saying welcome to the new girl and calls her "The One" and gives her a necklace that lights up only when she wears it. It only works for her and it gives her some special power that no one knows about yet. Then she show the inside of the cave with a huge cavern that is full of gems and light and music and she says, we do have dark parts hiding here, but this is also a place to keep what's beautiful safe. So the new girl wants to know who am I and why do you call me The One? And the queen says have your helpers process the files and then come back to me and we will talk then.
Also, the Queen showed her the real Selena who is younger and really Cat Girl
So there is no way this new girl is really Selena, which she had already started to doubt.So this is kind of where we were yesterday. Except I fogot to tell you that the new girl also has this power to see inside people. I mean outside people. And you know how everyone was getting freaked out of the husband and they were calling him the mean one and the nice one, like he was multiple too?? Well this new girl takes one look at him and says his anger is hiding pain and underneath the pain and hurt he is beautiful and full of light. And she is the only one not afraid of his anger, it's like she wants to just look past it, and she CAN just look past it and she sees the pain and wounds he has inside and she wants to heal him. It's no wonder he loves her so fast.So I think that about covers what happened, We are so trying to figure this out and Jade a few weeks ago thought she felt something higher inside kind of guiding all of us. maybe it was this new part who really wasn't new at all? We dont' think she is like a helper at all. Because she has FEELINGs that none of us have ever had. She has love and joy and happiness and it has been just overwhelming to watch her fall in love with the husband and change the little girl so fast, and even the freaking pets are all over her!!! Not that I am complaining, I love her too, we all do. And today (wed) we have the mother of all headaches. Oh, I almost forgot, she can also even SEE all the inner parts.
27 knew she was going to be able to do that though, because 27 asked her how many dark parts were running programs and she "saw" three of them and quite a few other lost ones who were hiding in the dark. No one else has been able to do that either. Who is this girl?I am a teen in here, I am one of the Cave Dwellers, but not a dark one. You know there are only three who live on the top now and they all live in the new little palace? The new girl (who we call The One) and Jade and the helper and sometimes 27 splits out of the Helper to move around and stuff, the Helper only stays put in the back room of the Palace. Weird, when just a couple days ago there were dozens out there.
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